Back to school oranges? Don't I mean blues?
Certainly not. It's not a sad thing.
It's an anxiety thing.
I don't know what color represents anxiety, but red is anger and yellow is happy, so the mid ground seems like a wonderfully conflicted area, and that seems appropriate for anxiety.
Anxiety is orange.
Like the color, I am conflicted when it comes to returning to school. I hate having to interact with people, and I really dislike all the stress that comes with the work, mostly because I have to manage my time to get it done, and that's something I'm not very good at (and not just because of my headaches.. I'm just a major procrastinator ^_^). But I love learning, and I adore the challenge of new subjects.
I hate that, although I want nothing to do with most of my classmates (just because I don't like social interaction, not because there's anything wrong with those people), I seem to be a magnet for conversation. I never initiate, yet in almost every class, I end up with a pseudo-friend or five. Day 1 of classes, I'd already gone over my weekly limit for interaction with strangers. My limit is the point at which interaction stops being tolerable, and starts being a mess of stress. Depending on topic and length of conversation, this could be anything from 3-9 conversations with people I don't know well. Usually not more than that, and very often less, especially if the setting is something very public, like a class or party.
I have major anxiety about what people think of me, even though I honestly don't care at all. (If you can figure out how that works, let me know.. I'm clueless...) My introversion works against me on that one, because I endlessly replay conversations looking for things that could be taken in a way I did not intend. It's completely screwed up, and it bugs me to no end - I know I'm awesome (~_^), and being ridiculously awkward isn't going to change that. Honestly, people seem to find it disarming and/or endearing (I have, indeed, been told this; I'm not speculating).
I make absolutely no attempt to hide my flaws, nor emotion, nor do I make any attempt to display things which I do not feel or experience. Yet the very lack of hiding things gives me a feeling of humiliation. As though I am somehow inferior, simply for choosing not to participate in social posturing. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as a "very genuine person"... A sentiment I didn't actually understand for a long while - surely, everyone is a genuine person, and not, say, a gorilla in disguise - because I honestly don't pick up on cues that indicate insincerity. I am very easy to lie to. I'll probably believe you, unless it's something which can be fact-checked or which I know to be false.
Awkward + stressed + gullible + no brain-mouth filter + limited ability to relate to others = very low desire for social interaction
I think I'll leave that there.. I don't really have all that much else to say today.
I'm taking advantage of being home alone for the weekend, and getting a lot of "very important" (see also: not even remotely important, but fun) stuff done, which keeps the anxiety of the upcoming week at bay.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
I hate when that happens..
I'm not going to edit this after writing, because I'm ranting. Please excuse any major off-topics or spelling/format/punctuation errors.
There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.
Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.
Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.
Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.
The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.
So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.
An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.
Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore." ...... yaaaaaaay....
Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.
But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.
Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.
For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.
For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)
It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.
If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!
There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.
Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.
Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.
Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.
The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.
So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.
An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.
Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore." ...... yaaaaaaay....
Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.
But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.
Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.
For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.
For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)
It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.
If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Holding pattern
I hate waiting for things..
I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.
I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.
Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?
I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..
So I've figured out a solution!
I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.
Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.
Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten
So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.
This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.
But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?
After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.
So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.
After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.
I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.
I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.
Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?
I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..
So I've figured out a solution!
I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.
Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.
Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten
So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.
This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.
But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?
After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.
So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.
After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Introversion
I've never been terribly fond of most other people. I really like myself, and wish more people were like me (this is a joke.. I couldn't stand being around me.. I'm obnoxious! ^_^).
For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.
I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.
For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.
I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.
I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)
For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.
I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.
I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).
So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!
My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..
Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.
I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.
For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.
I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.
For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.
I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.
I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)
For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.
I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.
I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).
So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!
My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..
Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.
I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Back to life
I'm not a very patient person.
Now that that is out of the way, let's just say I'm not actually thrilled by having my activities limited by this whole surgery recovery thing..
Cleaning cat boxes this morning caused wound oozing, sneezing hurts like shit, and I can't even get my normal exercise in because I can't run full-tilt up and down the stairs 20-50 times a day (I do this to avoid needing to go out of my way for exercise, because exercise is boring and super tedious).
I have similar problems with other injuries, and frankly, I blame it on my incessant need to cope with discomfort. Were I not skilled at ignoring discomfort, recovering from things would probably take less time, since I wouldn't keep injuring the area, but at the same time, it could be said that being uncomfortable, even aggravating painful stimulus, helps with not just healing, but coping.
What?
Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Usually. But if you know what's wrong, an ache can be good. Like rubbing a bruise to increase blood flow, or stretching sore muscles. Pain also triggers the release of the body's own painkillers and neurotransmitters.
Other than sneezing, coughing, and the occasional shifting in such a way as to hurt myself, these incisions aren't really all that painful, and perhaps only partially because they are in an area I am already quite skilled at avoiding. The 5-year-healtime of my dermals taught me to avoid my belly with anything that could knock into it, snag a piercing, or generally cause irritation. I haven't had a strong urge to sleep on my stomach, nothing has bumped it, and I haven't done too much painful twisting, outside of trying to do my normal activities.
Most of my discomfort from my incisions is actually a result of intentionally stimulating the pain, both to judge the severity (I know what infection/inflammation feels like, and I can usually tell the difference between the two) and to stimulate blood flow to help the healing. It doesn't feel spectacular, but it also doesn't... hurt.. sore and sensitive, yes, painful.. not so much, though the incisions are starting to itch.. like mad...
My headaches are starting to come back full-force as my body adjusts to the new sensory input. I had some mild relief for a couple of days while my brain was busy processing the new pain, and had limited resources for the normal pain. I find this to be what happens when I get new piercings, as well, and the effect lasts about a week, on average, but can be brought back by intentionally bothering the wound. As the swelling and CO2 dissipate, my organs are readjusting, as well, which turns out to be pretty uncomfortable. I've had a lot of chest pains and major back/shoulder pain, but I've been a good little monkey, and haven't been taking my painkillers.
I also have a lot of cramping. That's the worst of it for me. I've been on long-term birth control since I hit puberty, more or less, so I've really never had to deal with -ahem- ladytime. I like it that way, and having to deal with it now really blows. I need to get in contact with my GP and get my depo started, but I haven't gotten around to it, yet, and it's not immediately effective anyway; it can wait.
I did reward myself yesterday with a small glass of wine (mixed with soda and water kefir to make, basically, a wine cooler) and I actually ended up tipsy.. I don't drink much anymore because my body doesn't tend to process alcohol very well, but usually that isn't enough for such effects. I think heat + compromised system + inability to process normally all combined for a very very quick buzz. I'm a cheap date, now!
Tonight, I think I'll try to reward myself with an intense kitty cuddle session; I have four to choose from, although three of them aren't really ready/interested in that sort of affection just yet; one of my established cats is pretty upset about the new kitties, and the two new kitties are still a bit too skittish to cuddle, though one will lay in the space next to my stomach if I curl up on the floor with him and don't try to touch him.
As with everything in a life, especially life with pain, it will just take time.
Time is something I'm fairly certain I have.
Now that that is out of the way, let's just say I'm not actually thrilled by having my activities limited by this whole surgery recovery thing..
Cleaning cat boxes this morning caused wound oozing, sneezing hurts like shit, and I can't even get my normal exercise in because I can't run full-tilt up and down the stairs 20-50 times a day (I do this to avoid needing to go out of my way for exercise, because exercise is boring and super tedious).
I have similar problems with other injuries, and frankly, I blame it on my incessant need to cope with discomfort. Were I not skilled at ignoring discomfort, recovering from things would probably take less time, since I wouldn't keep injuring the area, but at the same time, it could be said that being uncomfortable, even aggravating painful stimulus, helps with not just healing, but coping.
What?
Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Usually. But if you know what's wrong, an ache can be good. Like rubbing a bruise to increase blood flow, or stretching sore muscles. Pain also triggers the release of the body's own painkillers and neurotransmitters.
Other than sneezing, coughing, and the occasional shifting in such a way as to hurt myself, these incisions aren't really all that painful, and perhaps only partially because they are in an area I am already quite skilled at avoiding. The 5-year-healtime of my dermals taught me to avoid my belly with anything that could knock into it, snag a piercing, or generally cause irritation. I haven't had a strong urge to sleep on my stomach, nothing has bumped it, and I haven't done too much painful twisting, outside of trying to do my normal activities.
Most of my discomfort from my incisions is actually a result of intentionally stimulating the pain, both to judge the severity (I know what infection/inflammation feels like, and I can usually tell the difference between the two) and to stimulate blood flow to help the healing. It doesn't feel spectacular, but it also doesn't... hurt.. sore and sensitive, yes, painful.. not so much, though the incisions are starting to itch.. like mad...
My headaches are starting to come back full-force as my body adjusts to the new sensory input. I had some mild relief for a couple of days while my brain was busy processing the new pain, and had limited resources for the normal pain. I find this to be what happens when I get new piercings, as well, and the effect lasts about a week, on average, but can be brought back by intentionally bothering the wound. As the swelling and CO2 dissipate, my organs are readjusting, as well, which turns out to be pretty uncomfortable. I've had a lot of chest pains and major back/shoulder pain, but I've been a good little monkey, and haven't been taking my painkillers.
I also have a lot of cramping. That's the worst of it for me. I've been on long-term birth control since I hit puberty, more or less, so I've really never had to deal with -ahem- ladytime. I like it that way, and having to deal with it now really blows. I need to get in contact with my GP and get my depo started, but I haven't gotten around to it, yet, and it's not immediately effective anyway; it can wait.
I did reward myself yesterday with a small glass of wine (mixed with soda and water kefir to make, basically, a wine cooler) and I actually ended up tipsy.. I don't drink much anymore because my body doesn't tend to process alcohol very well, but usually that isn't enough for such effects. I think heat + compromised system + inability to process normally all combined for a very very quick buzz. I'm a cheap date, now!
Tonight, I think I'll try to reward myself with an intense kitty cuddle session; I have four to choose from, although three of them aren't really ready/interested in that sort of affection just yet; one of my established cats is pretty upset about the new kitties, and the two new kitties are still a bit too skittish to cuddle, though one will lay in the space next to my stomach if I curl up on the floor with him and don't try to touch him.
As with everything in a life, especially life with pain, it will just take time.
Time is something I'm fairly certain I have.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
What's good for me...
I'm trying to talk boyfriendicus in to letting me add 2 more cats to my home (an adorable bonded pair of 8-year-old neutered male Siamese mix, just like one of my existing cats but with darker coloring).
He's not as thrilled at the prospect as I am, even though he doesn't do the labor of love for them; feeding, water, boxes, the bulk of attention and "training", and the majority of constructing toys and cat furniture, that's my job, and that's totally fine with me. They are, after all, my cats, and I am, after all, home a lot more often. My cats fill the social void in my life, especially when I'm not feeling well enough to be social with people. They are my companions, and I don't mind doing things for them, although I do sometimes have difficulty finding the drive to do said tasks in a timely manor.
I've been reading a lot lately about how having multiple cats actually makes said cats interact more pleasantly, and that, I think, is something my existing cats would like. As it stands, I have one very active cat, Scooter, a 2 year-old Siamese mix, and on not-so-active cat, a 7 year-old domestic short-hair named Gin (pronounced ghii-n, which is Japanese for "silver") who's communication skills are.. well.. not the best. Giving them a pair of cats to befriend increases the chance that both existing cats will find something to like, and should greatly reduce the existing friction. And that's what I want.
Yes, one additional cat can serve that function as well, but 2 give more of a buffer. When resources are plentiful, cats do best in groups. Goes straight against everything we've been told, no? But there it is. Cats are very intelligent, and very social, and just like people, they want friends to share activities with. If there are only 2 cats, and they don't have the same personality and interests, there will be friction as they continually ask each other for things they won't get. Just like with human friends, though, even 2 very similar cats won't like all the same activities. It's rare to find a human who likes skydiving, playing classical piano, going to clubs, and, say, cooking... all in the same person. Similarly, it's difficult to find a cat who will like everything the existing cats like, especially since the existing cats are so different in personality.
I've explained the logic, but it's so counter to everything we grow up hearing and believing that it's not going well on the convincing end. His concerns seem to focus around the litter boxes, and the need to change them more often. I don't see this being the case, as I strictly follow the "one box per cat plus one" rule, though I would probably do "one per cat plus one per 2" so I would have 6, not 5. Since I use shredded paper from craigslist for litter, this wouldn't cost any more than it does now, though the compost pile will grow more quickly. With the right number of boxes, the frequency of changes shouldn't be a concern, nor should it be significantly different than now.
The food cost is another issue he's citing. And I'll give him that. Canned food is a bit pricey, but I buy it in bulk every 6 months when I get my school money, so that when I'm broke, it's OK; I will still have food for them. The cost of food would double from $200/6mths to ~$400/6mths. Most people pay that in litter, alone. The place I buy canned food has the best prices I've found for a quality selection (~$0.30/can), and they do a bulk-order discount, so for every 10 flats (box of 24 cans) I get one free flat. I'd be buying 30 flats every 6 months, so I'd get 3 flats free. We have a basement we never use for anything, so I have no major concerns over where to put it all, and the saved effort of going to get it when I run out is more than worth the effort of buying it all at once.
As for the time and amusement needs, that's the joy of multiple cats; they spend time with each other, and it reduces the interaction need with humans. This isn't to say I don't care to spend a bunch of time with the cats, especially 4 of them, but the type of interaction would be different. More companionship, less guided play, because they can play together a lot better than they can play with a human. My cats currently have a bunch of pent-up energy that we can't properly discharge; Scooter has a boatload of energy, and assumes that all toys are for him all the time, which prevents my more relaxed cat from feeling comfortable playing. 2 more cats could even this out nicely, and allow me special time with the first cat I adopted on my own, Gin.
He seems to think that older cats are not as good as the younger ones, but as it turns out, they just take longer to acclimate. Indeed, older cats are likely to be better in the long run, because they were ripped from a happy home through no fault of their own, and just want a new friend or two. These two would be roughly the same age as Gin, so they should have the same level of maturity,if not the same level of activity. That's a good setup, and sure you could do it with just one cat, but it doesn't give the same friendship opportunities for the cats, especially when they aren't the same personality.
The current dynamic in the house isn't the greatest. Boyfriendicus doesn't seem too interested in learning (on his own) how to be friends with my cats, although after I explained how just being in the room with him was a sign from Gin that she was ready to be his friend, he took to acknowledging her presence and giving her kitty kisses (slowly-blinked eyes). This means, to me, that the whole situation could very easily change, and for the better, with just a bit of work from the two of us, and that translates DIRECTLY to cohesion with a new set of cats, as well. Every trick he learns to interact with Gin, who is really a very sweet kitty with a rough history and trust issues, is one more trick to apply to new cats.
Every effort given to the cats we have now is an effort that will have much weight when the existing cats show the new ones the ropes "see that big human? The one who who isn't home all day? Yeah, he's completely clueless, but he's trying, go give him some love". Cats can communicate complex ideas, just like we can. We just don't understand them, and so assume it doesn't happen. This, I think, is the point above all others that should encourage friendship; if you have it with one, you are more likely to have it with the others. They understand effort, and they appreciate it.
He's concerned that doubling the cat population in the house will lead to new problems, but I've seen the way Gin and Scooter interact with the neighborhood cats from their outdoor 8x9x9 enclosure. They want to be social, but on their own terms. That is to say, they want to be social, just not with each other, because their needs aren't being properly met with the current setup. If Scooter could get his play out with other active cats, he could leave Gin in peace, and she might actually like him. She tries really hard to like him now, and even grooms him occasionally, she just can't be his best friend right now because he pesters her for play.
My conundrum is this; I really, honestly, think 2 cats, especially an older but active pair which are significantly less likely to be adopted (both because they are older, and because there are two which cannot be separated), would be a good fit for us. Boyfriendicus brought up the idea of getting another cat, so it's clear that he enjoys them, and I've always had cats, and view pats as a "the more the merrier" situation. Their behaviors and interactions are fascinating, and I feel good when I make them feel good.
I want to convince him that it's our best best for a happy home, but at the same time, I respect his opinion, and he shares this home, so it impacts him, as well. The last time I went to the shelter to get a cat, I tried to convince him to get 2, and he said no. We should have gotten 2 then, and I probably wouldn't be looking now.
I did tell him if we got 2 more, I wouldn't want more until one of them died, and it's true; 4 is all I want, it's my kitty limit. I just want there to be at least one cat available most of the time for affection, and I want them all happy. Those aren't such bad goals, especially for a household with no intention of having kids.
He's not as thrilled at the prospect as I am, even though he doesn't do the labor of love for them; feeding, water, boxes, the bulk of attention and "training", and the majority of constructing toys and cat furniture, that's my job, and that's totally fine with me. They are, after all, my cats, and I am, after all, home a lot more often. My cats fill the social void in my life, especially when I'm not feeling well enough to be social with people. They are my companions, and I don't mind doing things for them, although I do sometimes have difficulty finding the drive to do said tasks in a timely manor.
I've been reading a lot lately about how having multiple cats actually makes said cats interact more pleasantly, and that, I think, is something my existing cats would like. As it stands, I have one very active cat, Scooter, a 2 year-old Siamese mix, and on not-so-active cat, a 7 year-old domestic short-hair named Gin (pronounced ghii-n, which is Japanese for "silver") who's communication skills are.. well.. not the best. Giving them a pair of cats to befriend increases the chance that both existing cats will find something to like, and should greatly reduce the existing friction. And that's what I want.
Yes, one additional cat can serve that function as well, but 2 give more of a buffer. When resources are plentiful, cats do best in groups. Goes straight against everything we've been told, no? But there it is. Cats are very intelligent, and very social, and just like people, they want friends to share activities with. If there are only 2 cats, and they don't have the same personality and interests, there will be friction as they continually ask each other for things they won't get. Just like with human friends, though, even 2 very similar cats won't like all the same activities. It's rare to find a human who likes skydiving, playing classical piano, going to clubs, and, say, cooking... all in the same person. Similarly, it's difficult to find a cat who will like everything the existing cats like, especially since the existing cats are so different in personality.
I've explained the logic, but it's so counter to everything we grow up hearing and believing that it's not going well on the convincing end. His concerns seem to focus around the litter boxes, and the need to change them more often. I don't see this being the case, as I strictly follow the "one box per cat plus one" rule, though I would probably do "one per cat plus one per 2" so I would have 6, not 5. Since I use shredded paper from craigslist for litter, this wouldn't cost any more than it does now, though the compost pile will grow more quickly. With the right number of boxes, the frequency of changes shouldn't be a concern, nor should it be significantly different than now.
The food cost is another issue he's citing. And I'll give him that. Canned food is a bit pricey, but I buy it in bulk every 6 months when I get my school money, so that when I'm broke, it's OK; I will still have food for them. The cost of food would double from $200/6mths to ~$400/6mths. Most people pay that in litter, alone. The place I buy canned food has the best prices I've found for a quality selection (~$0.30/can), and they do a bulk-order discount, so for every 10 flats (box of 24 cans) I get one free flat. I'd be buying 30 flats every 6 months, so I'd get 3 flats free. We have a basement we never use for anything, so I have no major concerns over where to put it all, and the saved effort of going to get it when I run out is more than worth the effort of buying it all at once.
As for the time and amusement needs, that's the joy of multiple cats; they spend time with each other, and it reduces the interaction need with humans. This isn't to say I don't care to spend a bunch of time with the cats, especially 4 of them, but the type of interaction would be different. More companionship, less guided play, because they can play together a lot better than they can play with a human. My cats currently have a bunch of pent-up energy that we can't properly discharge; Scooter has a boatload of energy, and assumes that all toys are for him all the time, which prevents my more relaxed cat from feeling comfortable playing. 2 more cats could even this out nicely, and allow me special time with the first cat I adopted on my own, Gin.
He seems to think that older cats are not as good as the younger ones, but as it turns out, they just take longer to acclimate. Indeed, older cats are likely to be better in the long run, because they were ripped from a happy home through no fault of their own, and just want a new friend or two. These two would be roughly the same age as Gin, so they should have the same level of maturity,if not the same level of activity. That's a good setup, and sure you could do it with just one cat, but it doesn't give the same friendship opportunities for the cats, especially when they aren't the same personality.
The current dynamic in the house isn't the greatest. Boyfriendicus doesn't seem too interested in learning (on his own) how to be friends with my cats, although after I explained how just being in the room with him was a sign from Gin that she was ready to be his friend, he took to acknowledging her presence and giving her kitty kisses (slowly-blinked eyes). This means, to me, that the whole situation could very easily change, and for the better, with just a bit of work from the two of us, and that translates DIRECTLY to cohesion with a new set of cats, as well. Every trick he learns to interact with Gin, who is really a very sweet kitty with a rough history and trust issues, is one more trick to apply to new cats.
Every effort given to the cats we have now is an effort that will have much weight when the existing cats show the new ones the ropes "see that big human? The one who who isn't home all day? Yeah, he's completely clueless, but he's trying, go give him some love". Cats can communicate complex ideas, just like we can. We just don't understand them, and so assume it doesn't happen. This, I think, is the point above all others that should encourage friendship; if you have it with one, you are more likely to have it with the others. They understand effort, and they appreciate it.
He's concerned that doubling the cat population in the house will lead to new problems, but I've seen the way Gin and Scooter interact with the neighborhood cats from their outdoor 8x9x9 enclosure. They want to be social, but on their own terms. That is to say, they want to be social, just not with each other, because their needs aren't being properly met with the current setup. If Scooter could get his play out with other active cats, he could leave Gin in peace, and she might actually like him. She tries really hard to like him now, and even grooms him occasionally, she just can't be his best friend right now because he pesters her for play.
My conundrum is this; I really, honestly, think 2 cats, especially an older but active pair which are significantly less likely to be adopted (both because they are older, and because there are two which cannot be separated), would be a good fit for us. Boyfriendicus brought up the idea of getting another cat, so it's clear that he enjoys them, and I've always had cats, and view pats as a "the more the merrier" situation. Their behaviors and interactions are fascinating, and I feel good when I make them feel good.
I want to convince him that it's our best best for a happy home, but at the same time, I respect his opinion, and he shares this home, so it impacts him, as well. The last time I went to the shelter to get a cat, I tried to convince him to get 2, and he said no. We should have gotten 2 then, and I probably wouldn't be looking now.
I did tell him if we got 2 more, I wouldn't want more until one of them died, and it's true; 4 is all I want, it's my kitty limit. I just want there to be at least one cat available most of the time for affection, and I want them all happy. Those aren't such bad goals, especially for a household with no intention of having kids.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Getting sterilized
So I'm finally taking the plunge. Not the same plunge most people are talking about when they use that line, but something no less important.
I'm on step 2 in the process of getting a tubal ligation. Step one was getting a recommendation from my PC doctor, step 2 is the consultation I have scheduled for the 14th.
The whole thing is apparently much easier if 1. There is something wrong with your reproductive organs. 2. You have had an abortion. 3. You have already made your family.
That's not horrible, that the process is harder for someone without those qualifiers.. but it does suck having to explain over and over that yes, yes I have thought about this, and yes, even though I'm under 30 and childless, this is what I want.
I'm trying to give my doctors an honest impression of my situation, and to that end, when asked (screening question) if I'd ever had an abortion, I said "quite honestly, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid".
Now, I realize how horrible it is to say that my options are sterilization or abortion, especially since I personally know other women who want and cannot have kids, but for me, that's reality. I made the decision a long time ago that, given the state of my life, if I found myself pregnant despite my best efforts to prevent it, the quality of life of the child was more important than any guilt I may feel about the process. Since I don't feel I could give a child what it deserves, abortion is my best option -mind, I do use birth control, and always have. Abortion is not an option I wish to exercise if it can be avoided. If you don't agree with that decision, that's your right, but this is the choice that's right for me, for my life.
What it boils down to, at the end of the day, is that I realized that I don't have much capacity for nurturing. Sure I can manage pets, and sure, I look fine with kids, but I'm not. They make me uncomfortable until they hit double digits, because they aren't capable of having much in the way of a real conversation. I don't have the patience to deal with kid-noise, and I can barely keep my house clean as it is. Very simply, I know I'm not responsible enough to trust myself with a child.
Let me rephrase that; I might be great with kids, and that's awesome, but I'm not cut out for parenting. I highly respect people who can do the whole reproducing thing, especially if they thought about it beforehand. I want to be very clear that I'm not judging others because they've made a different choice than have I. I try to ask for the same consideration.
Someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids doesn't get that sort of respect from society. I've heard it all. "It'll be different once you have them." "You are too young to make that sort of choice." "You'll regret it if you don't do it." "You are being selfish, what if your partner wants kids?" "everyone thinks they don't want them until they have them." "Once you have the first one, you'll want a whole bunch more" and other various statements of the like. I hear the same sorts of things about marriage. "Don't you love him?" "what if he leaves you because you aren't married?" "What if you have kids?" "what about buying a house and having a life?"
Some of these statements, I've recently learned, are technically true. It is different when you have your own kids, but only because of the intense hormone cocktail that hijacks your system and more or less forces you to be nurturing and caring. The brain gets rewired, thanks to that baby. I'm sorry, but I really don't want that. I want to keep my brain working as-is, if only because I have no say in the hormone overdose, and I think that's crap. Just because it's in our nature, and we've evolved to want it, doesn't mean that clear heads should not prevail. I can barely manage to take care of myself, the last thing I need is a biological drive to sacrifice what little good I have in my life for the wellbeing of something I don't want in the first place. Pets don't cause this problem, and I have many.
Some of those statements are just plain hurtful. Telling me that I haven't thought enough about it, or that I'll change my mind (implying that I haven't thought about it at all) leads me to believe that people saying those things don't think I'm capable of weighing the pros and cons. The sick reality is that I've probably put more thought into not having kids than most people do into having them; after all, all you need to have a baby is an accident. You don't need to think about whether or not it's a good choice for you, since it's assumed that it is. You don't need to consider if you are fit to be a parent, because if you weren't fit, you wouldn't be having one, right?
Conversely, I've spent the better part of a decade weighing the pros and cons, thinking over every possibility, both good and bad. I did not reach my decision lightly, and in fact, I used to think I wanted kids, because that's what I was told was what life was about; husband, house, family. I spent years trying to work out how I could achieve my life goals and still have a family, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that kids just aren't a good fit. I want to travel the world, visit every country, never stay put. The world is a big place, and not experiencing it is a waste of life as far as my own personal view is concerned. (Again, if job, house, family is all you want in life, that's great!I'm not judging. It's just not what I want.) I realized that these ambitions would be nearly impossible if I had a family tying me down. Still, I thought long and hard about what giving up one or the other would mean, and I realized that I would miss a lot more by having a family than I would by making my life complete. The plans I came up with to zip these two lives together were ridiculous and convoluted, and never would have worked out.
By far, the most common and most obnoxious question I get is "what if you regret it?" nobody ever thinks about the flip-side of that question; what if I have the kids, and regret THAT choice? One regret can be fixed through adoption -there are more than enough babies in the world, and I don't need mine to share genetics with me- the other is an 18+ year commitment, regret or no. I've read forums filled with women who regret starting a family. They love their children, but they hate the life that comes with it. That regret doesn't go away just because we wish it would, or try to ignore it. Some people aren't cut out for it, just like some people aren't cut out to be surgeons because they can't stand the sight of blood, or pilots because they fear heights. You can't convince your way out of that; if it's not right, it's not right.
The honest reality is that, commitment issues aside, I just really don't like kids, and trying to convince me otherwise is not going to work. They are loud, which I can't stand both due to preference and due to headaches, they are messy, and I can barely clean up after myself, they are expensive, and I hate spending money and being broke, and they need a LOT of interaction from their parents. I have a hard time setting aside time to train the parrots I inherited, and I think they are neat; I enjoy working with them, and I still can't get myself to do it consistently. That's no situation to bring a child in to.
My partner is on board with my decision, and even his mom is perfectly OK with it (she's also supportive of us not getting married, which is a relief. She told me that, were it not nearly 40 years too late, she wouldn't marry, either) though being that he's his father's only child, his dad's not the happiest. He hasn't said anything about it, though, so he can go right ahead and feel however he wants about it. My partner said that he's getting a bit old to be starting a family, anyway (he's 9 years my senior, which makes him 37, presently) and that he doesn't want to be old and useless when his kids are just hitting the point in life when they are fun to be around. He also seems to realize that, since most of his sibling's kids are my age (talk about awkward... The oldest is 2 years younger than I am, and out of nearly 10 kids, only 2 are under 18 ) he can enjoy them having families, and he can be the awesome great uncle, without having to change his own life significantly to do so. That seems like a pretty awesome compromise for all involved.
Even so, I've been called selfish for not wanting kids, because everyone assumes my partner had no say in my decision. To be sure, if he had said "no, I definitely want kids" we certainly would not still be together, but only because we would want different things from life, and it never would have worked. A relationship, no matter how good, is never NEVER worth sacrificing your happiness. Nobody in that situation ends life content. But that's not what happened at all. I feel my decision is the opposite of selfish. More selfish would be to have them anyway, just because that's what I think I should do, knowing full well it's not a good fit. Children can tell when they aren't wanted, or when they are a burden. I could never do that to a sentient being.
The brutal reality is that my partner is so on-board with my decision that he volunteered to take a day off work to take me to the hospital 2.5 hours away (VA hospital; free healthcare for vets, but lots of driving to get it) and said "don't worry about when, just make the appointment, and I'll take off work." and THEN he's willing to sacrifice sex for an indeterminate amount of time after, until I feel better. If that isn't support, I don't know what is. It probably helps that I played nursemaid when he had hernia surgery.. even removed the bandages and redressed them, because he couldn't stomach the sight. Thank you, mom, for watching graphic surgical shows with dinner while I was growing up; a strong stomach has served me well. He seems excited that I'll be 99.9999999999999999% protected, since I'll still be getting depo injections (hormone control for headache control, and also I don't like the baggage Aunt Flo brings with) even though that's basically the same level of protection I have now, with my IUD.
We both enjoy the DINK life we have now (Dual Income, No Kids); we have the freedom to enjoy our time on earth, sans major responsibility. We can afford to do things that couples with kids can't, normally. We don't have to worry about what to do with the kids when we want to do something, or go somewhere, and making arrangements for someone to come take care of animals is much easier. Does it matter if our goals in life are different from yours or anyone else's? I don't think so..
A couple of pointers for those of you who with kids or who plan to have kids;
It's great that you are doing that, and have thought about it; we need a minimum number of babies every year to maintain the population, and we all appreciate the sacrifices you make to promote the species. But we do have quite a lot of babies, and we certainly don't need more from people who don't really want them. Please respect that just the way we respect you for the choice you've made.
Please don't try to convince people that your answer is the right one for them, too. Most people who have decided not to have kids have given it a great deal of thought. Our society is so focused on reproduction and centers so much around children that it's impossible not to think about. Please don't talk to us as though you know better; you don't. You only know what works for you.
We don't judge your decision, please don't judge ours, even if you don't agree with it. It doesn't matter, ultimately, what you think about our decision, you'll just be burning bridges. You will burn them, not us.
When you discuss reproduction with friends, ask them if they are PLANNING to reproduce, don't ask them WHEN they will reproduce. It seems like such a small thing, but it emphasizes to the person with whom you are speaking that you understand that it's their decision, and that you respect it either way. It also opens up a dialogue. The planning question not only leaves room to change the mind if necessary, but also discourages a lot of defensiveness. It's difficult not to be defensive when everyone is trying to convince you that you are making the wrong choice.
Don't assume that what worked for you, and what you experienced, will be the same for everyone. Keep in mind that many women, and sometimes even men, experience major life changes such as depression and stress with the birth of children, and some people aren't as well suited to deal with these complications as others. Also be aware that this is a major life change, complete with new hormone levels, new responsibilities, new commitments, and new expectations, and the end result is not the same for two people. We each are the sum of our experiences, and you never know what came before now that could change the way someone sees an event.
Keep in mind that what was a wonderful experience for you might be a living nightmare for someone else. If you don't believe me, do a google search for "I hate being a mother"; the stories are heartbreaking. You can judge those people, if you must, but remember; they were, by and large, pressured into changing their minds about having them.
At the end of the day, it's a personal decision. Feel free to discuss it, but understand that the decision was made with great care in nearly every case. If someone doesn't want kids, for whatever reason, great! They shouldn't have them if they don't want them. Everyone is happier that way.
I'm on step 2 in the process of getting a tubal ligation. Step one was getting a recommendation from my PC doctor, step 2 is the consultation I have scheduled for the 14th.
The whole thing is apparently much easier if 1. There is something wrong with your reproductive organs. 2. You have had an abortion. 3. You have already made your family.
That's not horrible, that the process is harder for someone without those qualifiers.. but it does suck having to explain over and over that yes, yes I have thought about this, and yes, even though I'm under 30 and childless, this is what I want.
I'm trying to give my doctors an honest impression of my situation, and to that end, when asked (screening question) if I'd ever had an abortion, I said "quite honestly, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid".
Now, I realize how horrible it is to say that my options are sterilization or abortion, especially since I personally know other women who want and cannot have kids, but for me, that's reality. I made the decision a long time ago that, given the state of my life, if I found myself pregnant despite my best efforts to prevent it, the quality of life of the child was more important than any guilt I may feel about the process. Since I don't feel I could give a child what it deserves, abortion is my best option -mind, I do use birth control, and always have. Abortion is not an option I wish to exercise if it can be avoided. If you don't agree with that decision, that's your right, but this is the choice that's right for me, for my life.
What it boils down to, at the end of the day, is that I realized that I don't have much capacity for nurturing. Sure I can manage pets, and sure, I look fine with kids, but I'm not. They make me uncomfortable until they hit double digits, because they aren't capable of having much in the way of a real conversation. I don't have the patience to deal with kid-noise, and I can barely keep my house clean as it is. Very simply, I know I'm not responsible enough to trust myself with a child.
Let me rephrase that; I might be great with kids, and that's awesome, but I'm not cut out for parenting. I highly respect people who can do the whole reproducing thing, especially if they thought about it beforehand. I want to be very clear that I'm not judging others because they've made a different choice than have I. I try to ask for the same consideration.
Someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids doesn't get that sort of respect from society. I've heard it all. "It'll be different once you have them." "You are too young to make that sort of choice." "You'll regret it if you don't do it." "You are being selfish, what if your partner wants kids?" "everyone thinks they don't want them until they have them." "Once you have the first one, you'll want a whole bunch more" and other various statements of the like. I hear the same sorts of things about marriage. "Don't you love him?" "what if he leaves you because you aren't married?" "What if you have kids?" "what about buying a house and having a life?"
Some of these statements, I've recently learned, are technically true. It is different when you have your own kids, but only because of the intense hormone cocktail that hijacks your system and more or less forces you to be nurturing and caring. The brain gets rewired, thanks to that baby. I'm sorry, but I really don't want that. I want to keep my brain working as-is, if only because I have no say in the hormone overdose, and I think that's crap. Just because it's in our nature, and we've evolved to want it, doesn't mean that clear heads should not prevail. I can barely manage to take care of myself, the last thing I need is a biological drive to sacrifice what little good I have in my life for the wellbeing of something I don't want in the first place. Pets don't cause this problem, and I have many.
Some of those statements are just plain hurtful. Telling me that I haven't thought enough about it, or that I'll change my mind (implying that I haven't thought about it at all) leads me to believe that people saying those things don't think I'm capable of weighing the pros and cons. The sick reality is that I've probably put more thought into not having kids than most people do into having them; after all, all you need to have a baby is an accident. You don't need to think about whether or not it's a good choice for you, since it's assumed that it is. You don't need to consider if you are fit to be a parent, because if you weren't fit, you wouldn't be having one, right?
Conversely, I've spent the better part of a decade weighing the pros and cons, thinking over every possibility, both good and bad. I did not reach my decision lightly, and in fact, I used to think I wanted kids, because that's what I was told was what life was about; husband, house, family. I spent years trying to work out how I could achieve my life goals and still have a family, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that kids just aren't a good fit. I want to travel the world, visit every country, never stay put. The world is a big place, and not experiencing it is a waste of life as far as my own personal view is concerned. (Again, if job, house, family is all you want in life, that's great!I'm not judging. It's just not what I want.) I realized that these ambitions would be nearly impossible if I had a family tying me down. Still, I thought long and hard about what giving up one or the other would mean, and I realized that I would miss a lot more by having a family than I would by making my life complete. The plans I came up with to zip these two lives together were ridiculous and convoluted, and never would have worked out.
By far, the most common and most obnoxious question I get is "what if you regret it?" nobody ever thinks about the flip-side of that question; what if I have the kids, and regret THAT choice? One regret can be fixed through adoption -there are more than enough babies in the world, and I don't need mine to share genetics with me- the other is an 18+ year commitment, regret or no. I've read forums filled with women who regret starting a family. They love their children, but they hate the life that comes with it. That regret doesn't go away just because we wish it would, or try to ignore it. Some people aren't cut out for it, just like some people aren't cut out to be surgeons because they can't stand the sight of blood, or pilots because they fear heights. You can't convince your way out of that; if it's not right, it's not right.
The honest reality is that, commitment issues aside, I just really don't like kids, and trying to convince me otherwise is not going to work. They are loud, which I can't stand both due to preference and due to headaches, they are messy, and I can barely clean up after myself, they are expensive, and I hate spending money and being broke, and they need a LOT of interaction from their parents. I have a hard time setting aside time to train the parrots I inherited, and I think they are neat; I enjoy working with them, and I still can't get myself to do it consistently. That's no situation to bring a child in to.
My partner is on board with my decision, and even his mom is perfectly OK with it (she's also supportive of us not getting married, which is a relief. She told me that, were it not nearly 40 years too late, she wouldn't marry, either) though being that he's his father's only child, his dad's not the happiest. He hasn't said anything about it, though, so he can go right ahead and feel however he wants about it. My partner said that he's getting a bit old to be starting a family, anyway (he's 9 years my senior, which makes him 37, presently) and that he doesn't want to be old and useless when his kids are just hitting the point in life when they are fun to be around. He also seems to realize that, since most of his sibling's kids are my age (talk about awkward... The oldest is 2 years younger than I am, and out of nearly 10 kids, only 2 are under 18 ) he can enjoy them having families, and he can be the awesome great uncle, without having to change his own life significantly to do so. That seems like a pretty awesome compromise for all involved.
Even so, I've been called selfish for not wanting kids, because everyone assumes my partner had no say in my decision. To be sure, if he had said "no, I definitely want kids" we certainly would not still be together, but only because we would want different things from life, and it never would have worked. A relationship, no matter how good, is never NEVER worth sacrificing your happiness. Nobody in that situation ends life content. But that's not what happened at all. I feel my decision is the opposite of selfish. More selfish would be to have them anyway, just because that's what I think I should do, knowing full well it's not a good fit. Children can tell when they aren't wanted, or when they are a burden. I could never do that to a sentient being.
The brutal reality is that my partner is so on-board with my decision that he volunteered to take a day off work to take me to the hospital 2.5 hours away (VA hospital; free healthcare for vets, but lots of driving to get it) and said "don't worry about when, just make the appointment, and I'll take off work." and THEN he's willing to sacrifice sex for an indeterminate amount of time after, until I feel better. If that isn't support, I don't know what is. It probably helps that I played nursemaid when he had hernia surgery.. even removed the bandages and redressed them, because he couldn't stomach the sight. Thank you, mom, for watching graphic surgical shows with dinner while I was growing up; a strong stomach has served me well. He seems excited that I'll be 99.9999999999999999% protected, since I'll still be getting depo injections (hormone control for headache control, and also I don't like the baggage Aunt Flo brings with) even though that's basically the same level of protection I have now, with my IUD.
We both enjoy the DINK life we have now (Dual Income, No Kids); we have the freedom to enjoy our time on earth, sans major responsibility. We can afford to do things that couples with kids can't, normally. We don't have to worry about what to do with the kids when we want to do something, or go somewhere, and making arrangements for someone to come take care of animals is much easier. Does it matter if our goals in life are different from yours or anyone else's? I don't think so..
A couple of pointers for those of you who with kids or who plan to have kids;
It's great that you are doing that, and have thought about it; we need a minimum number of babies every year to maintain the population, and we all appreciate the sacrifices you make to promote the species. But we do have quite a lot of babies, and we certainly don't need more from people who don't really want them. Please respect that just the way we respect you for the choice you've made.
Please don't try to convince people that your answer is the right one for them, too. Most people who have decided not to have kids have given it a great deal of thought. Our society is so focused on reproduction and centers so much around children that it's impossible not to think about. Please don't talk to us as though you know better; you don't. You only know what works for you.
We don't judge your decision, please don't judge ours, even if you don't agree with it. It doesn't matter, ultimately, what you think about our decision, you'll just be burning bridges. You will burn them, not us.
When you discuss reproduction with friends, ask them if they are PLANNING to reproduce, don't ask them WHEN they will reproduce. It seems like such a small thing, but it emphasizes to the person with whom you are speaking that you understand that it's their decision, and that you respect it either way. It also opens up a dialogue. The planning question not only leaves room to change the mind if necessary, but also discourages a lot of defensiveness. It's difficult not to be defensive when everyone is trying to convince you that you are making the wrong choice.
Don't assume that what worked for you, and what you experienced, will be the same for everyone. Keep in mind that many women, and sometimes even men, experience major life changes such as depression and stress with the birth of children, and some people aren't as well suited to deal with these complications as others. Also be aware that this is a major life change, complete with new hormone levels, new responsibilities, new commitments, and new expectations, and the end result is not the same for two people. We each are the sum of our experiences, and you never know what came before now that could change the way someone sees an event.
Keep in mind that what was a wonderful experience for you might be a living nightmare for someone else. If you don't believe me, do a google search for "I hate being a mother"; the stories are heartbreaking. You can judge those people, if you must, but remember; they were, by and large, pressured into changing their minds about having them.
At the end of the day, it's a personal decision. Feel free to discuss it, but understand that the decision was made with great care in nearly every case. If someone doesn't want kids, for whatever reason, great! They shouldn't have them if they don't want them. Everyone is happier that way.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Honesty is always the best policy.
I live my life honestly. I don't mean I'm not a cheat, although I'm not. What I mean is that.. I really have great difficulty being dishonest with people, and whenever possible, I just give the full, blunt, brutal truth. Yes, it causes a lot of problems sometimes, but I've found that the result of not being completely honest is much worse. The following is just one example, a situation which just transpired, of why honesty is my go-to policy for interpersonal contact.
I have the weekend to myself, even though it's a holiday weekend and we had plans; the VA screwed up and didn't set my appointment, so my suppression treatment was interrupted, and I'm about a month, plus or minus a few days, overdue for my injections. Resulting, of course, in miserablemonkey. I had a headache for almost 2 weeks straight (thankfully it has stopped being a constant wake-to-sleep pain) and I've been so edgy that, frankly, it's a wonder I haven't pushed everyone away. Let's just say it got to the point where I started thinking about just how poorly suited campering with a huge family (the BF's, not my own) really was to having a constant headache and needing dark, quiet, and alone-ness. And let's just say I nearly had a panic attack from dread of the situation I was about to be stuck in.
I had an honest chat with the BF, which made me feel even more like crap, when I told him that this just really wasn't a good time. He didn't take it entirely well. The next day I wrote out the letter to loved ones (post before this one) primarily for my own benefit, but also for his, and for anyone else who's life intersects my own. I convinced him to read it, which may have been easier than I thought, because my anxiety flared up, but I told him that my very good friend felt like he understood my situation better after he read it, and I think that was enough convincing.
I sat with him while he read the 5-page document right off my blog, just like you can. I would give him special treatment, but I feel that would be singling him out, and I don't want to do that; I don't blame anyone for how they respond to my conditions, it's just a shit situation for all involved. I think presenting it as "I wrote this thing that might help people understand my pain and what helps and doesn't, and I'd really appreciate it you'd take the time to have a look" did the trick. There were a few parts I think he skipped, but for the most part, he sat and read it like a good, supportive, partner, and afterward said "a lot of those things... I guess.. I really had no idea..." He looked about ready to cry.
We then revisited the conversation regarding the family trip for July 4th. I explained, honestly, that being off of my treatment really screwed my world up, even though my treatment is suppression and reduction, not a complete symptom negation. I explained that, even if I did go, I would just end up spending the time alone, resentful, and in agony, with no hope for escape if necessary from the noise, the smoke smell, the lot of it, with the nice bonus of a couple dozen people being unnecessarily concerned about me. I explained that it was just really bad timing, and that although I want to go, it's just not a good idea, and I have to accept that that's going to happen sometimes, even though I don't like it.
He took it a lot better this time around, and we even managed to have a frank and honest discussion about which of my failings were most annoying. I want to do what I can to make everything as easy for my loved ones as possible, so I'm really open to criticism of that sort, as long as it's not phrased as an insult or complaint; I'm still human.. I get defensive. It happens.
We've now set tentative plans for after my treatment has resumed, and I feel like he understands a bit better that, when I say I -can't- do something, it's not an exaggeration or excuse, but a fact. I think he also understands a bit more, now, that I can't control or predict when it will be bad. The best I can do is deal with the symptoms when they flare up, and sometimes that means being a flake.
He also seems a bit more forgiving about my level of productivity (or more specifically, the level of my non-productivity..) and motivation, and I think it might be a bit clearer that I really do make an effort. As a bonus, my habit of listing my daily accomplishments makes a lot more sense, now, with the understanding that I'm sharing to be clear that I did what I could.
We've been together long enough that this should have been discussed a long time ago in this way, but... neither of us is really all that great at talking.. My anxiety flares up, and I can't get the right words to come out, and he just tends to be non-responsive (I think that sort of conversation just makes him really uncomfortable). We should have covered this stuff a long time ago, and perhaps we wouldn't have had the friction we have had.
Either way, regrets are useless; we have addressed it, and perhaps the results will be long-lived. Perhaps not.
If you haven't yet, I definitely recommend having this sort of conversation with your partner(s). It's really amazingly hard to do, until you've done it... then you just wonder why it took you so long.
The things that need to be said the most tend to be those most difficult to discuss.
I have the weekend to myself, even though it's a holiday weekend and we had plans; the VA screwed up and didn't set my appointment, so my suppression treatment was interrupted, and I'm about a month, plus or minus a few days, overdue for my injections. Resulting, of course, in miserablemonkey. I had a headache for almost 2 weeks straight (thankfully it has stopped being a constant wake-to-sleep pain) and I've been so edgy that, frankly, it's a wonder I haven't pushed everyone away. Let's just say it got to the point where I started thinking about just how poorly suited campering with a huge family (the BF's, not my own) really was to having a constant headache and needing dark, quiet, and alone-ness. And let's just say I nearly had a panic attack from dread of the situation I was about to be stuck in.
I had an honest chat with the BF, which made me feel even more like crap, when I told him that this just really wasn't a good time. He didn't take it entirely well. The next day I wrote out the letter to loved ones (post before this one) primarily for my own benefit, but also for his, and for anyone else who's life intersects my own. I convinced him to read it, which may have been easier than I thought, because my anxiety flared up, but I told him that my very good friend felt like he understood my situation better after he read it, and I think that was enough convincing.
I sat with him while he read the 5-page document right off my blog, just like you can. I would give him special treatment, but I feel that would be singling him out, and I don't want to do that; I don't blame anyone for how they respond to my conditions, it's just a shit situation for all involved. I think presenting it as "I wrote this thing that might help people understand my pain and what helps and doesn't, and I'd really appreciate it you'd take the time to have a look" did the trick. There were a few parts I think he skipped, but for the most part, he sat and read it like a good, supportive, partner, and afterward said "a lot of those things... I guess.. I really had no idea..." He looked about ready to cry.
We then revisited the conversation regarding the family trip for July 4th. I explained, honestly, that being off of my treatment really screwed my world up, even though my treatment is suppression and reduction, not a complete symptom negation. I explained that, even if I did go, I would just end up spending the time alone, resentful, and in agony, with no hope for escape if necessary from the noise, the smoke smell, the lot of it, with the nice bonus of a couple dozen people being unnecessarily concerned about me. I explained that it was just really bad timing, and that although I want to go, it's just not a good idea, and I have to accept that that's going to happen sometimes, even though I don't like it.
He took it a lot better this time around, and we even managed to have a frank and honest discussion about which of my failings were most annoying. I want to do what I can to make everything as easy for my loved ones as possible, so I'm really open to criticism of that sort, as long as it's not phrased as an insult or complaint; I'm still human.. I get defensive. It happens.
We've now set tentative plans for after my treatment has resumed, and I feel like he understands a bit better that, when I say I -can't- do something, it's not an exaggeration or excuse, but a fact. I think he also understands a bit more, now, that I can't control or predict when it will be bad. The best I can do is deal with the symptoms when they flare up, and sometimes that means being a flake.
He also seems a bit more forgiving about my level of productivity (or more specifically, the level of my non-productivity..) and motivation, and I think it might be a bit clearer that I really do make an effort. As a bonus, my habit of listing my daily accomplishments makes a lot more sense, now, with the understanding that I'm sharing to be clear that I did what I could.
We've been together long enough that this should have been discussed a long time ago in this way, but... neither of us is really all that great at talking.. My anxiety flares up, and I can't get the right words to come out, and he just tends to be non-responsive (I think that sort of conversation just makes him really uncomfortable). We should have covered this stuff a long time ago, and perhaps we wouldn't have had the friction we have had.
Either way, regrets are useless; we have addressed it, and perhaps the results will be long-lived. Perhaps not.
If you haven't yet, I definitely recommend having this sort of conversation with your partner(s). It's really amazingly hard to do, until you've done it... then you just wonder why it took you so long.
The things that need to be said the most tend to be those most difficult to discuss.
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