Holding pattern

I hate waiting for things..

I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.

I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.

Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?

I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..

So I've figured out a solution!

I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.

Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.

Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten

So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.

This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.

But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?

After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.

So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.

After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.

We have new kitties!

It was sort of a happy accident.

We took the birds to the rescue place; they will be much better off, as will I. On the way home, we stopped by the shelter to drop off the application, the one needed to set up a visit with fostered pets. Turns out, the cats we were looking for were no longer in foster, so we got to sit with them in kitty city.

Fortunately, we know that kitty city is better named stress city; 7-10 adult cats thrown together on a rotating basis. Our boys weren't at their best. Far from it. 5 minutes into our visit, the shelter called me, and were thrilled to find out that, indeed, they were calling me from 10 feet away. The adoption was approved (likely because I had adopted a cat from them previously) and within half an hour, we were on our way home with 2 freshly microchipped cream colorpoint boys.

We were not ready.

Despite spending well over a week intending to bring them home, we thought, certainly, the shelter would take longer than a day, since a day is standard procedure. We thought they were in foster care, which would have meant scheduling a time to meet them, so up to another week.

Nope. 5 minutes after stopping at the humane society to drop off paperwork, I'd been approved, and asked if I wanted to take them home today, or pick them up later.

Turns out, they had been at the shelter for almost 7 months after being surrendered because their family "didn't have time for them". Nobody had time for them.

We have time for them. I'm even more sure of my choice knowing what they came from and went through,

They have been with us for a day and a half now. They are eating, although it's not agreeing with them the greatest just yet. At least one of them is playing, they are exploring, they aren't running into hiding when we knock to open the door. They are using the boxes properly, and haven't destroyed anything yet. I even got a chance to love on the bolder of the two for a while this morning.

It's slower going than any of my previous cats, but these two lost a lot, and it's going to take them a while to open up again. And that's OK.

We'll give them everything they could possibly want or need, and see what happens.

I'm sure it will be something good.

What's good for me...

I'm trying to talk boyfriendicus in to letting me add 2 more cats to my home (an adorable bonded pair of 8-year-old neutered male Siamese mix, just like one of my existing cats but with darker coloring).

He's not as thrilled at the prospect as I am, even though he doesn't do the labor of love for them; feeding, water, boxes, the bulk of attention and "training", and the majority of constructing toys and cat furniture, that's my job, and that's totally fine with me. They are, after all, my cats, and I am, after all, home a lot more often. My cats fill the social void in my life, especially when I'm not feeling well enough to be social with people. They are my companions, and I don't mind doing things for them, although I do sometimes have difficulty finding the drive to do said tasks in a timely manor.

I've been reading a lot lately about how having multiple cats actually makes said cats interact more pleasantly, and that, I think, is something my existing cats would like. As it stands, I have one very active cat, Scooter, a 2 year-old Siamese mix, and on not-so-active cat, a 7 year-old domestic short-hair named Gin (pronounced ghii-n, which is Japanese for "silver") who's communication skills are.. well.. not the best. Giving them a pair of cats to befriend increases the chance that both existing cats will find something to like, and should greatly reduce the existing friction. And that's what I want.

Yes, one additional cat can serve that function as well, but 2 give more of a buffer. When resources are plentiful, cats do best in groups. Goes straight against everything we've been told, no? But there it is. Cats are very intelligent, and very social, and just like people, they want friends to share activities with. If there are only 2 cats, and they don't have the same personality and interests, there will be friction as they continually ask each other for things they won't get. Just like with human friends, though, even 2 very similar cats won't like all the same activities. It's rare to find a human who likes skydiving, playing classical piano, going to clubs, and, say, cooking... all in the same person. Similarly, it's difficult to find a cat who will like everything the existing cats like, especially since the existing cats are so different in personality.

I've explained the logic, but it's so counter to everything we grow up hearing and believing that it's not going well on the convincing end. His concerns seem to focus around the litter boxes, and the need to change them more often. I don't see this being the case, as I strictly follow the "one box per cat plus one" rule, though I would probably do "one per cat plus one per 2" so I would have 6, not 5. Since I use shredded paper from craigslist for litter, this wouldn't cost any more than it does now, though the compost pile will grow more quickly. With the right number of boxes, the frequency of changes shouldn't be a concern, nor should it be significantly different than now.

The food cost is another issue he's citing. And I'll give him that. Canned food is a bit pricey, but I buy it in bulk every 6 months when I get my school money, so that when I'm broke, it's OK; I will still have food for them. The cost of food would double from $200/6mths to ~$400/6mths. Most people pay that in litter, alone. The place I buy canned food has the best prices I've found for a quality selection (~$0.30/can), and they do a bulk-order discount, so for every 10 flats (box of 24 cans) I get one free flat. I'd be buying 30 flats every 6 months, so I'd get 3 flats free. We have a basement we never use for anything, so I have no major concerns over where to put it all, and the saved effort of going to get it when I run out is more than worth the effort of buying it all at once.

As for the time and amusement needs, that's the joy of multiple cats; they spend time with each other, and it reduces the interaction need with humans. This isn't to say I don't care to spend a bunch of time with the cats, especially 4 of them, but the type of interaction would be different. More companionship, less guided play, because they can play together a lot better than they can play with a human. My cats currently have a bunch of pent-up energy that we can't properly discharge; Scooter has a boatload of energy, and assumes that all toys are for him all the time, which prevents my more relaxed cat from feeling comfortable playing. 2 more cats could even this out nicely, and allow me special time with the first cat I adopted on my own, Gin.

He seems to think that older cats are not as good as the younger ones, but as it turns out, they just take longer to acclimate. Indeed, older cats are likely to be better in the long run, because they were ripped from a happy home through no fault of their own, and just want a new friend or two. These two would be roughly the same age as Gin, so they should have the same level of maturity,if not the same level of activity. That's a good setup, and sure you could do it with just one cat, but it doesn't give the same friendship opportunities for the cats, especially when they aren't the same personality.

The current dynamic in the house isn't the greatest. Boyfriendicus doesn't seem too interested in learning (on his own) how to be friends with my cats, although after I explained how just being in the room with him was a sign from Gin that she was ready to be his friend, he took to acknowledging her presence and giving her kitty kisses (slowly-blinked eyes). This means, to me, that the whole situation could very easily change, and for the better, with just a bit of work from the two of us, and that translates DIRECTLY to cohesion with a new set of cats, as well. Every trick he learns to interact with Gin, who is really a very sweet kitty with a rough history and trust issues, is one more trick to apply to new cats.

Every effort given to the cats we have now is an effort that will have much weight when the existing cats show the new ones the ropes "see that big human? The one who who isn't home all day? Yeah, he's completely clueless, but he's trying, go give him some love". Cats can communicate complex ideas, just like we can. We just don't understand them, and so assume it doesn't happen. This, I think, is the point above all others that should encourage friendship; if you have it with one, you are more likely to have it with the others. They understand effort, and they appreciate it.

He's concerned that doubling the cat population in the house will lead to new problems, but I've seen the way Gin and Scooter interact with the neighborhood cats from their outdoor 8x9x9 enclosure. They want to be social, but on their own terms. That is to say, they want to be social, just not with each other, because their needs aren't being properly met with the current setup. If Scooter could get his play out with other active cats, he could leave Gin in peace, and she might actually like him. She tries really hard to like him now, and even grooms him occasionally, she just can't be his best friend right now because he pesters her for play.

My conundrum is this; I really, honestly, think 2 cats, especially an older but active pair which are significantly less likely to be adopted (both because they are older, and because there are two which cannot be separated), would be a good fit for us. Boyfriendicus brought up the idea of getting another cat, so it's clear that he enjoys them, and I've always had cats, and view pats as a "the more the merrier" situation. Their behaviors and interactions are fascinating, and I feel good when I make them feel good.

I want to convince him that it's our best best for a happy home, but at the same time, I respect his opinion, and he shares this home, so it impacts him, as well. The last time I went to the shelter to get a cat, I tried to convince him to get 2, and he said no. We should have gotten 2 then, and I probably wouldn't be looking now.

I did tell him if we got 2 more, I wouldn't want more until one of them died, and it's true; 4 is all I want, it's my kitty limit. I just want there to be at least one cat available most of the time for affection, and I want them all happy. Those aren't such bad goals, especially for a household with no intention of having kids.

Feeling bad for having limits

I feel like a horrible person today.

Why, you ask?

Because I can't do the things I want to do.

Small potatoes, right? well not this time. This time, well-being is on the line, and not just my own.

In 2011, my mom died of cancer. About 7-10 years before that, she bought a pair of conure parrots, and didn't do much with them. When she died, I inherited them, because nobody else could or would look out for them, and pets are a serious commitment in my family; almost all of them have been rescue or adoption, and we understand all too well what giving up a pet means. It's not a decision we have ever made lightly.

2 years ago, I had to find a new home for one of my cats who was having major adjustment issues when we moved. She was the type of cat who needed to be the only cat, and who needed a lot more affection than 2 people with active lives could give her. Basically, she was the type of cat who needed a big family. We do not, nor will we ever, have that, and the realization that we couldn't provide for her was painful. We tried absolutely everything to help her cope with the new situation, which included moving to a house which was much larger than my old apartment, the boyfriend moving in as well, and the previous owners of the house having had pets of their own which marked the carpet. She began marking her territory, claiming the humans and chasing off the other cat, howling at night, all night every night, harassing us in bed, the works. She started throwing up more often that she had previously (long-haired cat; she threw up a lot already) and seemed generally stressed and unhappy. We tried for 6 months to help her adjust, and made no progress.

I had to think long and hard about what she needed, instead of what I needed. Eventually, I found her a family with 4 kids and no indoor pets, where she could be the adored center of attention whenever she needed to be. Somewhere that she didn't feel like she needed to claim her space, because it was all her space.

This situation is slightly different. Conures REALLY like to scream. I'm pretty sure it's their favorite activity. That would be OK, if it weren't for the headaches. As it stands, though, every scream is like an ice pick in my skull. I can't give them what they need because I can't cope with keeping them. That's horrible. I want to spend time with them, and train them, and play with them, but they haven't been worked with enough for that to be feasible, and when I do try to work with them, the noise they make just kills me.

I grew up with birds. We've almost always had them. My parents had a cockatoo when I was small, I had a 'keet of my own when I was 11 or so, and of course the conures, so I'm comfortable with them and their needs, just.. the noise. Parrots are well-known for their insane volume, and the bigger the bird, the louder they are; conures are roughly a foot from beak to tail, so they aren't the largest or the loudest, but they are still quite obnoxiously loud and, like I said, they love to scream. Especially when you get a phone call.

I don't even mind the biting, to be honest, since it only happens when they get out of the cage and I have to catch them -although it does usually draw blood, and I wouldn't mind something with a little less skin-piercing ability- but the preying mantids I kept in the living room last year had easily as much ability to injure me, and I loved keeping them, as well. You just avoid behavior that provokes them, whenever possible.

Conures can live for 35 years. Mine are about 15 now, give or take a few years. I don't think I could survive another 15 years of them. I've done my best, and I've trained them to the best of my ability, but they were never handled before I got them, so progress is painfully slow. I thought if I could just get them to interact with me, I could deal with the noise as a trade-off for companions. This has been largely unsuccessful, because I have no clue what I'm doing, especially with something so smart. They are much easier to train before they are mature, and while older birds can be trained, I don't have a clue how.

I find the situation terribly frustrating; I can't deal with them, I don't want to abandon them, and I don't want to lose the companionship of my critters. I keep a lot of pets to fill a void within myself; I enjoy having things that I can be responsible for, which I can keep happy and healthy, but which don't require a set schedule like dogs and their incessant need to go out to potty, or kids.. we all know how demanding those things are.. :p .  I like having critters with which I can interact and observe, since the calm of observation and the relaxation of focus (interaction) really seem to help me stay grounded.

Today, I contacted a bird rescue group. I feel like a failure for not being able to be a person who could take care of them. I tried, for 5 years, to be that person, and I just can't do it; the noise is just too much. I feel like even more of a failure for including, with the letter, a statement about wanting to continue keeping birds, as I really enjoy them, and suggesting that perhaps a group of finches or parakeets might work better for me, as I've kept them before and enjoyed the company. This is pure speculation, but I assume that rescue groups don't like to hear "I can't deal with this pet, but I'd like you to give me a different one."

I explained the whole situation, including why I ended up with them, why I can't keep them, and why a different sort of bird would be OK while conures are not, but.. if I were them, would I trust me? I don't really know.. It's not because I don't have the capacity to care for them, it's just that what I ended up with is a bad fit for my life.

I hope the bird rescue place will understand my situation, and try to work something out with me; I don't have a lot of money for adoption fees of new birds, especially multiple birds, but I don't want to lose my companions just because I realize that the ones I have now aren't getting the life they deserve. I also hope they won't think I'm a bad person for wanting them to go to a home where they can be loved and adored as the beautiful companions they deserve to be.

Rock. Me. Hard place.