Introversion

I've never been terribly fond of most other people. I really like myself, and wish more people were like me (this is a joke.. I couldn't stand being around me.. I'm obnoxious! ^_^).

For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.

I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.

For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.

I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.

I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)

For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.

I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.

I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).

So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!

My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..

Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.

I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.

The forlorn meowing breaks my heart!

It's almost 5 AM. I went to sleep around 12:30. I was woken by one of my cats licking a plastic bag. I don't know why he does this, but it drives me up the wall. I moved what he was licking, so he found something else. It sounds terribly cute, and it is, until it's 4 AM.

I'm trying to figure if this behavior is related to hunger or a food desire, so I offered him some wet food (he's very very picky about wet food, and won't eat any more than 10 minutes old). The opening of the can, of course, woke my other cats.

So here I am, mixing food for one cat, while another watches me suspiciously (this is not at all our routine) and then the meowing on the other side of the door starts up. The new boys were up as well.

For the last few days, Mickey has been reasonably comfortable with hand and arm contact, at least with me (my partner isn't spending enough time with them to form a good bond, so his progress will be slower) but Gizmo hasn't wanted anything to do with contact, only lots of kitty kisses (slowly blinked eyes). I haven't been pushing his comfort level too much, though I do offer him appendages for sniffing occasionally, lots of toys and food, and talk to him a lot.

Tonight, Gizmo let me love all over him. He was just as thrilled for contact as Mickey had been when he finally opened up, and they were both super affectionate, At the same time. That's exactly what I've been missing in my established cat dynamic; cats that get along well enough that I can pet them at the same time.

They also both really want to get out of the room and explore the rest of the house. The idea was to wait until both of my existing cats had gone in the room a few times, at least, and that's still the plan, but my cats aren't terribly interested in going in..

Scooter went in this morning, and just sort of walked around pretending there weren't other cats in the room, and that he owned the place. The whole time he was there, mickey had his nose up Scooter's butt, and followed him around relentlessly. Scooter, for his part, took it quite well, the whole thing was very civil, and when he started hanging around the door, I opened it for him, and he left.

Exactly the intro I was hoping for!

Gin, on the other hand, is offended that I'm petting another kitty, even though I am by no means ignoring her in the process. Gin had always been an odd duck; I got her from the shelter as a kitten, and she came home to an apartment full of 6 month old black lab and an asshole human I've since gotten rid of. She didn't get the positive start in life I wish I could have given her.

She's never been much of one for other cats, though I think this has more to do with them not matching her personality well enough to have a friend out of it. She's not actually aggressive and she hasn't claimed a person as territory as one of my other cats did (Omocha, unfortunately, needed to be re-homed; she was absolutely a one-cat-house cat, and we just couldn't give her that, so I found her a family that could). Indeed, it seems as though Gin just doesn't LIKE who we picked as her friend.

I'm hoping that Mickey and Gizmo will solve this problem, by having different enough personalities not just from each other, but from my established cats, to fill any personality gap we may have. Cats have activities that they like to share with friends, just like we humans do, and similar to humans, it's tough to find another cat who likes all the same things. Just like humans, the more friends are available, the more likely they will have overlapping interests.

So far, everything is looking good, it's just a matter of time.

What's good for me...

I'm trying to talk boyfriendicus in to letting me add 2 more cats to my home (an adorable bonded pair of 8-year-old neutered male Siamese mix, just like one of my existing cats but with darker coloring).

He's not as thrilled at the prospect as I am, even though he doesn't do the labor of love for them; feeding, water, boxes, the bulk of attention and "training", and the majority of constructing toys and cat furniture, that's my job, and that's totally fine with me. They are, after all, my cats, and I am, after all, home a lot more often. My cats fill the social void in my life, especially when I'm not feeling well enough to be social with people. They are my companions, and I don't mind doing things for them, although I do sometimes have difficulty finding the drive to do said tasks in a timely manor.

I've been reading a lot lately about how having multiple cats actually makes said cats interact more pleasantly, and that, I think, is something my existing cats would like. As it stands, I have one very active cat, Scooter, a 2 year-old Siamese mix, and on not-so-active cat, a 7 year-old domestic short-hair named Gin (pronounced ghii-n, which is Japanese for "silver") who's communication skills are.. well.. not the best. Giving them a pair of cats to befriend increases the chance that both existing cats will find something to like, and should greatly reduce the existing friction. And that's what I want.

Yes, one additional cat can serve that function as well, but 2 give more of a buffer. When resources are plentiful, cats do best in groups. Goes straight against everything we've been told, no? But there it is. Cats are very intelligent, and very social, and just like people, they want friends to share activities with. If there are only 2 cats, and they don't have the same personality and interests, there will be friction as they continually ask each other for things they won't get. Just like with human friends, though, even 2 very similar cats won't like all the same activities. It's rare to find a human who likes skydiving, playing classical piano, going to clubs, and, say, cooking... all in the same person. Similarly, it's difficult to find a cat who will like everything the existing cats like, especially since the existing cats are so different in personality.

I've explained the logic, but it's so counter to everything we grow up hearing and believing that it's not going well on the convincing end. His concerns seem to focus around the litter boxes, and the need to change them more often. I don't see this being the case, as I strictly follow the "one box per cat plus one" rule, though I would probably do "one per cat plus one per 2" so I would have 6, not 5. Since I use shredded paper from craigslist for litter, this wouldn't cost any more than it does now, though the compost pile will grow more quickly. With the right number of boxes, the frequency of changes shouldn't be a concern, nor should it be significantly different than now.

The food cost is another issue he's citing. And I'll give him that. Canned food is a bit pricey, but I buy it in bulk every 6 months when I get my school money, so that when I'm broke, it's OK; I will still have food for them. The cost of food would double from $200/6mths to ~$400/6mths. Most people pay that in litter, alone. The place I buy canned food has the best prices I've found for a quality selection (~$0.30/can), and they do a bulk-order discount, so for every 10 flats (box of 24 cans) I get one free flat. I'd be buying 30 flats every 6 months, so I'd get 3 flats free. We have a basement we never use for anything, so I have no major concerns over where to put it all, and the saved effort of going to get it when I run out is more than worth the effort of buying it all at once.

As for the time and amusement needs, that's the joy of multiple cats; they spend time with each other, and it reduces the interaction need with humans. This isn't to say I don't care to spend a bunch of time with the cats, especially 4 of them, but the type of interaction would be different. More companionship, less guided play, because they can play together a lot better than they can play with a human. My cats currently have a bunch of pent-up energy that we can't properly discharge; Scooter has a boatload of energy, and assumes that all toys are for him all the time, which prevents my more relaxed cat from feeling comfortable playing. 2 more cats could even this out nicely, and allow me special time with the first cat I adopted on my own, Gin.

He seems to think that older cats are not as good as the younger ones, but as it turns out, they just take longer to acclimate. Indeed, older cats are likely to be better in the long run, because they were ripped from a happy home through no fault of their own, and just want a new friend or two. These two would be roughly the same age as Gin, so they should have the same level of maturity,if not the same level of activity. That's a good setup, and sure you could do it with just one cat, but it doesn't give the same friendship opportunities for the cats, especially when they aren't the same personality.

The current dynamic in the house isn't the greatest. Boyfriendicus doesn't seem too interested in learning (on his own) how to be friends with my cats, although after I explained how just being in the room with him was a sign from Gin that she was ready to be his friend, he took to acknowledging her presence and giving her kitty kisses (slowly-blinked eyes). This means, to me, that the whole situation could very easily change, and for the better, with just a bit of work from the two of us, and that translates DIRECTLY to cohesion with a new set of cats, as well. Every trick he learns to interact with Gin, who is really a very sweet kitty with a rough history and trust issues, is one more trick to apply to new cats.

Every effort given to the cats we have now is an effort that will have much weight when the existing cats show the new ones the ropes "see that big human? The one who who isn't home all day? Yeah, he's completely clueless, but he's trying, go give him some love". Cats can communicate complex ideas, just like we can. We just don't understand them, and so assume it doesn't happen. This, I think, is the point above all others that should encourage friendship; if you have it with one, you are more likely to have it with the others. They understand effort, and they appreciate it.

He's concerned that doubling the cat population in the house will lead to new problems, but I've seen the way Gin and Scooter interact with the neighborhood cats from their outdoor 8x9x9 enclosure. They want to be social, but on their own terms. That is to say, they want to be social, just not with each other, because their needs aren't being properly met with the current setup. If Scooter could get his play out with other active cats, he could leave Gin in peace, and she might actually like him. She tries really hard to like him now, and even grooms him occasionally, she just can't be his best friend right now because he pesters her for play.

My conundrum is this; I really, honestly, think 2 cats, especially an older but active pair which are significantly less likely to be adopted (both because they are older, and because there are two which cannot be separated), would be a good fit for us. Boyfriendicus brought up the idea of getting another cat, so it's clear that he enjoys them, and I've always had cats, and view pats as a "the more the merrier" situation. Their behaviors and interactions are fascinating, and I feel good when I make them feel good.

I want to convince him that it's our best best for a happy home, but at the same time, I respect his opinion, and he shares this home, so it impacts him, as well. The last time I went to the shelter to get a cat, I tried to convince him to get 2, and he said no. We should have gotten 2 then, and I probably wouldn't be looking now.

I did tell him if we got 2 more, I wouldn't want more until one of them died, and it's true; 4 is all I want, it's my kitty limit. I just want there to be at least one cat available most of the time for affection, and I want them all happy. Those aren't such bad goals, especially for a household with no intention of having kids.