I'm not going to edit this after writing, because I'm ranting. Please excuse any major off-topics or spelling/format/punctuation errors.
There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.
Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.
Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.
Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.
The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.
So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.
An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.
Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore." ...... yaaaaaaay....
Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.
But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.
Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.
For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.
For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)
It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.
If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!
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