Back to school oranges

Back to school oranges? Don't I mean blues?

Certainly not. It's not a sad thing.

It's an anxiety thing.

I don't know what color represents anxiety, but red is anger and yellow is happy, so the mid ground seems like a wonderfully conflicted area, and that seems appropriate for anxiety.

Anxiety is orange.

Like the color, I am conflicted when it comes to returning to school. I hate having to interact with people, and I really dislike all the stress that comes with the work, mostly because I have to manage my time to get it done, and that's something I'm not very good at (and not just because of my headaches.. I'm just a major procrastinator ^_^). But I love learning, and I adore the challenge of new subjects.

I hate that, although I want nothing to do with most of my classmates (just because I don't like social interaction, not because there's anything wrong with those people), I seem to be a magnet for conversation. I never initiate, yet in almost every class, I end up with a pseudo-friend or five. Day 1 of classes, I'd already gone over my weekly limit for interaction with strangers. My limit is the point at which interaction stops being tolerable, and starts being a mess of stress. Depending on topic and length of conversation, this could be anything from 3-9 conversations with people I don't know well. Usually not more than that, and very often less, especially if the setting is something very public, like a class or party.

I have major anxiety about what people think of me, even though I honestly don't care at all. (If you can figure out how that works, let me know.. I'm clueless...) My introversion works against me on that one, because I endlessly replay conversations looking for things that could be taken in a way I did not intend. It's completely screwed up, and it bugs me to no end - I know I'm awesome (~_^), and being ridiculously awkward isn't going to change that. Honestly, people seem to find it disarming and/or endearing (I have, indeed, been told this; I'm not speculating).

I make absolutely no attempt to hide my flaws, nor emotion, nor do I make any attempt to display things which I do not feel or experience. Yet the very lack of hiding things gives me a feeling of humiliation. As though I am somehow inferior, simply for choosing not to participate in social posturing. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as a "very genuine person"... A sentiment I didn't actually understand for a long while - surely, everyone is a genuine person, and not, say, a gorilla in disguise - because I honestly don't pick up on cues that indicate insincerity. I am very easy to lie to. I'll probably believe you, unless it's something which can be fact-checked or which I know to be false.

Awkward + stressed + gullible + no brain-mouth filter + limited ability to relate to others = very low desire for social interaction

I think I'll leave that there.. I don't really have all that much else to say today.

I'm taking advantage of being home alone for the weekend, and getting a lot of "very important" (see also: not even remotely important, but fun) stuff done, which keeps the anxiety of the upcoming week at bay.