I live my life honestly. I don't mean I'm not a cheat, although I'm not. What I mean is that.. I really have great difficulty being dishonest with people, and whenever possible, I just give the full, blunt, brutal truth. Yes, it causes a lot of problems sometimes, but I've found that the result of not being completely honest is much worse. The following is just one example, a situation which just transpired, of why honesty is my go-to policy for interpersonal contact.
I have the weekend to myself, even though it's a holiday weekend and we had plans; the VA screwed up and didn't set my appointment, so my suppression treatment was interrupted, and I'm about a month, plus or minus a few days, overdue for my injections. Resulting, of course, in miserablemonkey. I had a headache for almost 2 weeks straight (thankfully it has stopped being a constant wake-to-sleep pain) and I've been so edgy that, frankly, it's a wonder I haven't pushed everyone away. Let's just say it got to the point where I started thinking about just how poorly suited campering with a huge family (the BF's, not my own) really was to having a constant headache and needing dark, quiet, and alone-ness. And let's just say I nearly had a panic attack from dread of the situation I was about to be stuck in.
I had an honest chat with the BF, which made me feel even more like crap, when I told him that this just really wasn't a good time. He didn't take it entirely well. The next day I wrote out the letter to loved ones (post before this one) primarily for my own benefit, but also for his, and for anyone else who's life intersects my own. I convinced him to read it, which may have been easier than I thought, because my anxiety flared up, but I told him that my very good friend felt like he understood my situation better after he read it, and I think that was enough convincing.
I sat with him while he read the 5-page document right off my blog, just like you can. I would give him special treatment, but I feel that would be singling him out, and I don't want to do that; I don't blame anyone for how they respond to my conditions, it's just a shit situation for all involved. I think presenting it as "I wrote this thing that might help people understand my pain and what helps and doesn't, and I'd really appreciate it you'd take the time to have a look" did the trick. There were a few parts I think he skipped, but for the most part, he sat and read it like a good, supportive, partner, and afterward said "a lot of those things... I guess.. I really had no idea..." He looked about ready to cry.
We then revisited the conversation regarding the family trip for July 4th. I explained, honestly, that being off of my treatment really screwed my world up, even though my treatment is suppression and reduction, not a complete symptom negation. I explained that, even if I did go, I would just end up spending the time alone, resentful, and in agony, with no hope for escape if necessary from the noise, the smoke smell, the lot of it, with the nice bonus of a couple dozen people being unnecessarily concerned about me. I explained that it was just really bad timing, and that although I want to go, it's just not a good idea, and I have to accept that that's going to happen sometimes, even though I don't like it.
He took it a lot better this time around, and we even managed to have a frank and honest discussion about which of my failings were most annoying. I want to do what I can to make everything as easy for my loved ones as possible, so I'm really open to criticism of that sort, as long as it's not phrased as an insult or complaint; I'm still human.. I get defensive. It happens.
We've now set tentative plans for after my treatment has resumed, and I feel like he understands a bit better that, when I say I -can't- do something, it's not an exaggeration or excuse, but a fact. I think he also understands a bit more, now, that I can't control or predict when it will be bad. The best I can do is deal with the symptoms when they flare up, and sometimes that means being a flake.
He also seems a bit more forgiving about my level of productivity (or more specifically, the level of my non-productivity..) and motivation, and I think it might be a bit clearer that I really do make an effort. As a bonus, my habit of listing my daily accomplishments makes a lot more sense, now, with the understanding that I'm sharing to be clear that I did what I could.
We've been together long enough that this should have been discussed a long time ago in this way, but... neither of us is really all that great at talking.. My anxiety flares up, and I can't get the right words to come out, and he just tends to be non-responsive (I think that sort of conversation just makes him really uncomfortable). We should have covered this stuff a long time ago, and perhaps we wouldn't have had the friction we have had.
Either way, regrets are useless; we have addressed it, and perhaps the results will be long-lived. Perhaps not.
If you haven't yet, I definitely recommend having this sort of conversation with your partner(s). It's really amazingly hard to do, until you've done it... then you just wonder why it took you so long.
The things that need to be said the most tend to be those most difficult to discuss.
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