I feel like a horrible person today.
Why, you ask?
Because I can't do the things I want to do.
Small potatoes, right? well not this time. This time, well-being is on the line, and not just my own.
In 2011, my mom died of cancer. About 7-10 years before that, she bought a pair of conure parrots, and didn't do much with them. When she died, I inherited them, because nobody else could or would look out for them, and pets are a serious commitment in my family; almost all of them have been rescue or adoption, and we understand all too well what giving up a pet means. It's not a decision we have ever made lightly.
2 years ago, I had to find a new home for one of my cats who was having major adjustment issues when we moved. She was the type of cat who needed to be the only cat, and who needed a lot more affection than 2 people with active lives could give her. Basically, she was the type of cat who needed a big family. We do not, nor will we ever, have that, and the realization that we couldn't provide for her was painful. We tried absolutely everything to help her cope with the new situation, which included moving to a house which was much larger than my old apartment, the boyfriend moving in as well, and the previous owners of the house having had pets of their own which marked the carpet. She began marking her territory, claiming the humans and chasing off the other cat, howling at night, all night every night, harassing us in bed, the works. She started throwing up more often that she had previously (long-haired cat; she threw up a lot already) and seemed generally stressed and unhappy. We tried for 6 months to help her adjust, and made no progress.
I had to think long and hard about what she needed, instead of what I needed. Eventually, I found her a family with 4 kids and no indoor pets, where she could be the adored center of attention whenever she needed to be. Somewhere that she didn't feel like she needed to claim her space, because it was all her space.
This situation is slightly different. Conures REALLY like to scream. I'm pretty sure it's their favorite activity. That would be OK, if it weren't for the headaches. As it stands, though, every scream is like an ice pick in my skull. I can't give them what they need because I can't cope with keeping them. That's horrible. I want to spend time with them, and train them, and play with them, but they haven't been worked with enough for that to be feasible, and when I do try to work with them, the noise they make just kills me.
I grew up with birds. We've almost always had them. My parents had a cockatoo when I was small, I had a 'keet of my own when I was 11 or so, and of course the conures, so I'm comfortable with them and their needs, just.. the noise. Parrots are well-known for their insane volume, and the bigger the bird, the louder they are; conures are roughly a foot from beak to tail, so they aren't the largest or the loudest, but they are still quite obnoxiously loud and, like I said, they love to scream. Especially when you get a phone call.
I don't even mind the biting, to be honest, since it only happens when they get out of the cage and I have to catch them -although it does usually draw blood, and I wouldn't mind something with a little less skin-piercing ability- but the preying mantids I kept in the living room last year had easily as much ability to injure me, and I loved keeping them, as well. You just avoid behavior that provokes them, whenever possible.
Conures can live for 35 years. Mine are about 15 now, give or take a few years. I don't think I could survive another 15 years of them. I've done my best, and I've trained them to the best of my ability, but they were never handled before I got them, so progress is painfully slow. I thought if I could just get them to interact with me, I could deal with the noise as a trade-off for companions. This has been largely unsuccessful, because I have no clue what I'm doing, especially with something so smart. They are much easier to train before they are mature, and while older birds can be trained, I don't have a clue how.
I find the situation terribly frustrating; I can't deal with them, I don't want to abandon them, and I don't want to lose the companionship of my critters. I keep a lot of pets to fill a void within myself; I enjoy having things that I can be responsible for, which I can keep happy and healthy, but which don't require a set schedule like dogs and their incessant need to go out to potty, or kids.. we all know how demanding those things are.. :p . I like having critters with which I can interact and observe, since the calm of observation and the relaxation of focus (interaction) really seem to help me stay grounded.
Today, I contacted a bird rescue group. I feel like a failure for not being able to be a person who could take care of them. I tried, for 5 years, to be that person, and I just can't do it; the noise is just too much. I feel like even more of a failure for including, with the letter, a statement about wanting to continue keeping birds, as I really enjoy them, and suggesting that perhaps a group of finches or parakeets might work better for me, as I've kept them before and enjoyed the company. This is pure speculation, but I assume that rescue groups don't like to hear "I can't deal with this pet, but I'd like you to give me a different one."
I explained the whole situation, including why I ended up with them, why I can't keep them, and why a different sort of bird would be OK while conures are not, but.. if I were them, would I trust me? I don't really know.. It's not because I don't have the capacity to care for them, it's just that what I ended up with is a bad fit for my life.
I hope the bird rescue place will understand my situation, and try to work something out with me; I don't have a lot of money for adoption fees of new birds, especially multiple birds, but I don't want to lose my companions just because I realize that the ones I have now aren't getting the life they deserve. I also hope they won't think I'm a bad person for wanting them to go to a home where they can be loved and adored as the beautiful companions they deserve to be.
Rock. Me. Hard place.
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