It's been a rough semester so far..

I haven't had time to post lately; my life has been nonstop stress, exertion, and panic attacks.
I have some horrible classes this semester, which involve way more work than any 3-credit undergrad class should be allowed... And I'm not saying that as an exaggeration; some days the homework for just one class takes 12 hours to complete, but always at least 4. For every class session. So it's been rough, and I've cut a lot of corners, which I really don't like doing, and which has added to my anxiety. I finally have a chance to breathe, with only my exams left. 4 more days of doing stuff, and I'm done.

But.. For all that, I'm in a good place.

Considering the difficulty I'm having with the classes, my grades in them are actually really good. I'm still alive, so the weight issue hasn't killed me yet, and I have a yearly checkup in a couple weeks anyway, so they can check all my relevant stuff. When I went for my pain management appointment 2 days ago, as well as an appointment to get a depo shot a week before that, I borrowed the scales, and checked myself. I'm at 115# (my standard weight when I was 13 or so, before I started wrestling), and it's been steady like that most of this month. The human body tends to adjust hunger levels, cravings, and energy output based on various hormones and neurotransmitters, which is basically why diets don't work for more than a few months, so my hope is that my body has, by now, regulated back to, if not it's normal, than at least a workable minimum. I'll also have them test my vitamin D levels, because I've been taking something like 45,000-65,000 IU weekly (5,000 IU morning and night, whenever I remember, which is most of the time), which should hopefully be enough to boost me back to semi-normal range, rather than "holy crap, start supplementing, and get some sun!" (of course it snowed this evening, so good luck there). 50,000 is what they prescribed for once a week to bring my levels back up, but with chronically low levels, my scouring of research leads me to the conclusion that a bit more won't hurt; it can take 6 months or more to see any substantial increase in vit D levels at 50,000 IU/wk (I am not a doctor; please speak with yours prior to supplementing).

My stomach problems are still largely gone, although I have to be careful to eat in the right ratios; not enough fiber, and I'm right back to it, but excess fiber doesn't kill me as much, anymore. I did some thinking, and my stomach issues resolving may have been related to my surgery; it's likely routine to use an intravenous antibiotic, and depending on the type and dose, it may have been enough to kill off any blooms of bad bacteria in my intestines, and a decent diet now keeps it in control, as it is supposed to. This is purely speculative, of course, but still.

I have also managed to set up a "take a break" semester for spring 2016. I am thrilled. Still 12 credits, 2 at 300 level, 2 at 200 level (usually the most I can do, as I also take Russian or Japanese, depending on offering, through the tech), but I managed to set it up so that I can, literally, take my time. One, an American Lit course, is entirely online; I read at roughly 500 wpm (the average speaker, by contrast, can manage between 130 and 150 wpm), and enjoy doing it, so this is the ideal format for classes for me. If I could take them all online, I probably would, but my school doesn't have much of a selection for that program. The other three classes are with professors I've already had for other classes, who are already aware of my (sometimes significant) limitations, but with whom I've done well. In addition to knowing exactly what I'm getting myself into with my campus classes (Global Climate Change, History of English, and Metaphysics), a very nice change of pace, I will also only have to go to campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is absolutely ideal for recovery and recoup from the current semester, and should prevent a boatload of absences, and thus a lot of irrational guilt and anxiety.

Further, I'm finally working toward getting my memorial tattoo for my mom; it's mostly all planned, though not finalized, so I should be able to get it done soon. It should help with the grieving process; a marker to the beginning of moving on positively.

I also came across a truly enlightening blog post, written by someone in the mental health profession, regarding disruptive disorders. When I was 5, I was diagnosed with ADHD,  but frankly, I'm surprised I wasn't co-diagnosed with ODD. This article explained that these people, often, are simply anti-authoritarian, and that seems to fit. Anti-authoritarians question all authority figures, and dismiss any which are undeserving. That's certainly something I do, and it's always a struggle to submit to those who are undeserving of their position. (if you are interested, it can be found at http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/02/why-anti-authoritarians-are-diagnosed-as-mentally-ill/ )

This might not seem like useful insight to you, but it explains a lot for me. I have always been hostile toward rules I don't agree with, authority figures I didn't approve of, and frankly, I don't do things I don't want to, insofar as that is concerned. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of anxiety, because my desire to succeed in life directly conflicts with my desire to follow only legitimate authority. For example, this semester I have a prof. who teaches a science intro course, but presents, as science, a lot of non-science -such as that antioxidants are protective against disease, which they most certainly are not in higher-than-necessary doses, and can even lead to increased mortality in cancer patients, or that organic produce is better for you, for which there is no evidence either way, or even that stress causes cancer and diabetes, which is misleading, at best, as stress can only contribute to, not cause, these issues. I cannot take him seriously, and I have barely bothered to show up to class as a result, even knowing full well he takes attendance and it factors into the final grade. I just, very simply, can't sit through it. I have also written up a fairly... blunt.. review of the class, complete with academically-sound citations, simply to let him know his conduct is inappropriate (both the lack of support for his claims, as well as a conversation we had on the first day, in which he told me my headaches were stress, and all I needed was some relaxing music and they would go away).

This professor is not a legitimate authority insofar as I am concerned, even if he does have a position of authority. Police also have a position of authority, but frankly, if they can't follow the laws they are supposed to be enforcing, they are undeserving of it. I fully believe authority figures should be exemplars, not just lucky. I also seriously doubt I could ever be an authority figure. I mean I have, in the past, such as when I was in boot camp and had an entire division under me, but my position didn't really require that I do any controlling, and I didn't (all I really did was sing cadence - in the Navy, sing is the correct verb). I told people to shape up, but that was about it. I hated it. Being responsible for other people's fuckups is not fun, although I honestly didn't mind being punished for it, since punishment was PT, and I was already in the best shape of my life before I got to boot.

I'm glad to have come across that post, even if it isn't the sort of peer-reviewed information I generally look for. It may be somewhat off, but it explains a lot about my experiences within my own mind, and gives me something of an idea as to what sort of position I should be seeking when I complete school. It also explains why every job I work is one more job I would never consider doing again, with the exception of those in which there is no basically authority over me, such as cocktail waitressing. I've always had a strong desire to speak my mind regardless of consequences, but the recent anxiety issues have largely halted this behavior, and I'd like it back. I miss my spine. I think the sort of job I'd like to get is the sort in which I get to actively question authority, and that's a big part of the job itself. Science communication is one such role, in which I would have the opportunity to basically let loose. Science communication, as it happens, is what I already want to do, more or less, so this works wonderfully.

All told, this has been a really tough time, but still, I'm managing to grow as a person, and I'm happy.

Back to school oranges

Back to school oranges? Don't I mean blues?

Certainly not. It's not a sad thing.

It's an anxiety thing.

I don't know what color represents anxiety, but red is anger and yellow is happy, so the mid ground seems like a wonderfully conflicted area, and that seems appropriate for anxiety.

Anxiety is orange.

Like the color, I am conflicted when it comes to returning to school. I hate having to interact with people, and I really dislike all the stress that comes with the work, mostly because I have to manage my time to get it done, and that's something I'm not very good at (and not just because of my headaches.. I'm just a major procrastinator ^_^). But I love learning, and I adore the challenge of new subjects.

I hate that, although I want nothing to do with most of my classmates (just because I don't like social interaction, not because there's anything wrong with those people), I seem to be a magnet for conversation. I never initiate, yet in almost every class, I end up with a pseudo-friend or five. Day 1 of classes, I'd already gone over my weekly limit for interaction with strangers. My limit is the point at which interaction stops being tolerable, and starts being a mess of stress. Depending on topic and length of conversation, this could be anything from 3-9 conversations with people I don't know well. Usually not more than that, and very often less, especially if the setting is something very public, like a class or party.

I have major anxiety about what people think of me, even though I honestly don't care at all. (If you can figure out how that works, let me know.. I'm clueless...) My introversion works against me on that one, because I endlessly replay conversations looking for things that could be taken in a way I did not intend. It's completely screwed up, and it bugs me to no end - I know I'm awesome (~_^), and being ridiculously awkward isn't going to change that. Honestly, people seem to find it disarming and/or endearing (I have, indeed, been told this; I'm not speculating).

I make absolutely no attempt to hide my flaws, nor emotion, nor do I make any attempt to display things which I do not feel or experience. Yet the very lack of hiding things gives me a feeling of humiliation. As though I am somehow inferior, simply for choosing not to participate in social posturing. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as a "very genuine person"... A sentiment I didn't actually understand for a long while - surely, everyone is a genuine person, and not, say, a gorilla in disguise - because I honestly don't pick up on cues that indicate insincerity. I am very easy to lie to. I'll probably believe you, unless it's something which can be fact-checked or which I know to be false.

Awkward + stressed + gullible + no brain-mouth filter + limited ability to relate to others = very low desire for social interaction

I think I'll leave that there.. I don't really have all that much else to say today.

I'm taking advantage of being home alone for the weekend, and getting a lot of "very important" (see also: not even remotely important, but fun) stuff done, which keeps the anxiety of the upcoming week at bay.

I hate when that happens..

I'm not going to edit this after writing, because I'm ranting. Please excuse any major off-topics or spelling/format/punctuation errors.



There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.

Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.

Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.

Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.

The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.

So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.

An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.

Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore."  ...... yaaaaaaay....

Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.

But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.

Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.

For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.

For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)

It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.

If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!

Holding pattern

I hate waiting for things..

I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.

I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.

Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?

I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..

So I've figured out a solution!

I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.

Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.

Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten

So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.

This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.

But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?

After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.

So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.

After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.

Introversion

I've never been terribly fond of most other people. I really like myself, and wish more people were like me (this is a joke.. I couldn't stand being around me.. I'm obnoxious! ^_^).

For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.

I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.

For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.

I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.

I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)

For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.

I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.

I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).

So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!

My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..

Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.

I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.

Back to life

I'm not a very patient person.

Now that that is out of the way, let's just say I'm not actually thrilled by having my activities limited by this whole surgery recovery thing..

Cleaning cat boxes this morning caused wound oozing, sneezing hurts like shit, and I can't even get my normal exercise in because I can't run full-tilt up and down the stairs 20-50 times a day (I do this to avoid needing to go out of my way for exercise, because exercise is boring and super tedious).

I have similar problems with other injuries, and frankly, I blame it on my incessant need to cope with discomfort. Were I not skilled at ignoring discomfort, recovering from things would probably take less time, since I wouldn't keep injuring the area, but at the same time, it could be said that being uncomfortable, even aggravating painful stimulus, helps with not just healing, but coping.

What?

Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Usually. But if you know what's wrong, an ache can be good. Like rubbing a bruise to increase blood flow, or stretching sore muscles. Pain also triggers the release of the body's own painkillers and neurotransmitters.

Other than sneezing, coughing, and the occasional shifting in such a way as to hurt myself, these incisions aren't really all that painful, and perhaps only partially because they are in an area I am already quite skilled at avoiding. The 5-year-healtime of my dermals taught me to avoid my belly with anything that could knock into it, snag a piercing, or generally cause irritation. I haven't had a strong urge to sleep on my stomach, nothing has bumped it, and I haven't done too much painful twisting, outside of trying to do my normal activities.

Most of my discomfort from my incisions is actually a result of intentionally stimulating the pain, both to judge the severity (I know what infection/inflammation feels like, and I can usually tell the difference between the two) and to stimulate blood flow to help the healing. It doesn't feel spectacular, but it also doesn't... hurt.. sore and sensitive, yes, painful.. not so much, though the incisions are starting to itch.. like mad...

My headaches are starting to come back full-force as my body adjusts to the new sensory input. I had some mild relief for a couple of days while my brain was busy processing the new pain, and had limited resources for the normal pain. I find this to be what happens when I get new piercings, as well, and the effect lasts about a week, on average, but can be brought back by intentionally bothering the wound. As the swelling and CO2 dissipate, my organs are readjusting, as well, which turns out to be pretty uncomfortable. I've had a lot of chest pains and major back/shoulder pain, but I've been a good little monkey, and haven't been taking my painkillers.

I also have a lot of cramping. That's the worst of it for me. I've been on long-term birth control since I hit puberty, more or less, so I've really never had to deal with -ahem- ladytime. I like it that way, and having to deal with it now really blows. I need to get in contact with my GP and get my depo started, but I haven't gotten around to it, yet, and it's not immediately effective anyway; it can wait.

I did reward myself yesterday with a small glass of wine (mixed with soda and water kefir to make, basically, a wine cooler) and I actually ended up tipsy.. I don't drink much anymore because my body doesn't tend to process alcohol very well, but usually that isn't enough for such effects. I think heat + compromised system + inability to process normally all combined for a very very quick buzz. I'm a cheap date, now!

Tonight, I think I'll try to reward myself with an intense kitty cuddle session; I have four to choose from, although three of them aren't really ready/interested in that sort of affection just yet; one of my established cats is pretty upset about the new kitties, and the two new kitties are still a bit too skittish to cuddle, though one will lay in the space next to my stomach if I curl up on the floor with him and don't try to touch him.

As with everything in a life, especially life with pain, it will just take time.

Time is something I'm fairly certain I have.

The forlorn meowing breaks my heart!

It's almost 5 AM. I went to sleep around 12:30. I was woken by one of my cats licking a plastic bag. I don't know why he does this, but it drives me up the wall. I moved what he was licking, so he found something else. It sounds terribly cute, and it is, until it's 4 AM.

I'm trying to figure if this behavior is related to hunger or a food desire, so I offered him some wet food (he's very very picky about wet food, and won't eat any more than 10 minutes old). The opening of the can, of course, woke my other cats.

So here I am, mixing food for one cat, while another watches me suspiciously (this is not at all our routine) and then the meowing on the other side of the door starts up. The new boys were up as well.

For the last few days, Mickey has been reasonably comfortable with hand and arm contact, at least with me (my partner isn't spending enough time with them to form a good bond, so his progress will be slower) but Gizmo hasn't wanted anything to do with contact, only lots of kitty kisses (slowly blinked eyes). I haven't been pushing his comfort level too much, though I do offer him appendages for sniffing occasionally, lots of toys and food, and talk to him a lot.

Tonight, Gizmo let me love all over him. He was just as thrilled for contact as Mickey had been when he finally opened up, and they were both super affectionate, At the same time. That's exactly what I've been missing in my established cat dynamic; cats that get along well enough that I can pet them at the same time.

They also both really want to get out of the room and explore the rest of the house. The idea was to wait until both of my existing cats had gone in the room a few times, at least, and that's still the plan, but my cats aren't terribly interested in going in..

Scooter went in this morning, and just sort of walked around pretending there weren't other cats in the room, and that he owned the place. The whole time he was there, mickey had his nose up Scooter's butt, and followed him around relentlessly. Scooter, for his part, took it quite well, the whole thing was very civil, and when he started hanging around the door, I opened it for him, and he left.

Exactly the intro I was hoping for!

Gin, on the other hand, is offended that I'm petting another kitty, even though I am by no means ignoring her in the process. Gin had always been an odd duck; I got her from the shelter as a kitten, and she came home to an apartment full of 6 month old black lab and an asshole human I've since gotten rid of. She didn't get the positive start in life I wish I could have given her.

She's never been much of one for other cats, though I think this has more to do with them not matching her personality well enough to have a friend out of it. She's not actually aggressive and she hasn't claimed a person as territory as one of my other cats did (Omocha, unfortunately, needed to be re-homed; she was absolutely a one-cat-house cat, and we just couldn't give her that, so I found her a family that could). Indeed, it seems as though Gin just doesn't LIKE who we picked as her friend.

I'm hoping that Mickey and Gizmo will solve this problem, by having different enough personalities not just from each other, but from my established cats, to fill any personality gap we may have. Cats have activities that they like to share with friends, just like we humans do, and similar to humans, it's tough to find another cat who likes all the same things. Just like humans, the more friends are available, the more likely they will have overlapping interests.

So far, everything is looking good, it's just a matter of time.

I wonder..

I wonder what intelligent life on Europa/Ganymede would develop for technology, since electricity would be impossible.. Would they use bioengineering? What would they think about the universe, having a sky made of miles of solid ice? Would they, reasonably, believe that the universe is their ocean and nothing more, or would they be the type to question if there was an end to the shell?

 I wonder what it would be like to be launched perpendicular to the plane of rotation of the solar system (not toward the outer planets, but straight up or down from them). I wonder how far you would have to travel to be able to see the whole Milky Way, to see where we actually are in our galaxy. I wonder what it would look like from there; similar to Andromeda, or perhaps one of the farther-off galaxies. I wonder how accurate we are about our estimations, and I wonder what we haven't discovered about them yet.

I bet if everyone learned one new skill every month/week, the whole world would work a lot more smoothly, even if most of the skills people learn are bizarre and pointless. It's quite surprising how useful one area of knowledge is for something entirely separate. I'd also be willing to bet that, if everyone had a variety of interesting skills, it would not only be easier to connect with other people, it would also encourage people to use their skills to help others. What's the point of learning to do something if you don't share it, after all.

I wonder what northern forests looked like before the introduction of worms (worms are not native to areas that experienced glaciers during the ice age, when all of the topsoil -and thus, worms- was pushed south) I am curious as to the diversity that was lost in just that one simple introduction. If something so small and seemingly insignificant can have so great an impact, imagine the huge changes we make, and what that must do.

I am insanely curious as to how the mechanism for evolution actually works. As far as I'm aware, nobody has a really good answer for that yet, although there are a lot of speculative answers which seem plausible. It makes such a fantastically huge difference to literally everything we value, if not the process, at least the end result, and yet we don't have a terribly good answer for why. I love those situations!

I sometimes look up at the sky, and marvel that somewhere in the universe, on some distant planet or moon, there is some sort of being, looking back in my direction, and marveling about the same thing. Statistically speaking, this is a likely scenario, since there are hundreds of billions of galaxies with hundreds of billions of stars in each, and most stars have at least a couple of planets, at least from what we have discovered so far, and many have dozens. If there are, as astronomers like to say, more stars in the known universe (what we can see in a sphere going out 13.8 billion light years; we can see a diameter of 29 billion light years, but the whole universe has a diameter around 92 billion light years http://www.space.com/24073-how-big-is-the-universe.html ) than grains of sand on the earth (who did the math for that is unknown to me, but I assume someone did at some point, just for funsies), that means there are 10 times as many planets. That's such a huge number, it's actually impossible to relate to for our puny species. most people have difficulty envisioning more than a thousand of an item, at most. Count the grains of sand in a handful some time. Make it a small handful, trust me.

What would it be like to be, say, a spider, with 16 eyes, or a mantis shrimp that has 16 color-receptor cone varieties to our 3 (basically, they can see a lot more of the electromagnetic spectrum than we can). What would it be like to navigate at high speeds in complete darkness, relying on sound for navigation like a bat, or use the magnetic field lines of the earth for directions like migratory birds? Or even the fine-tuned machine that is the housecat, who's sense of motion detection is superb, and who has a dedicated part of the visual processing portion of the brain dedicated to whisker input? What would it be like to not be human, just for a while?

How different would the world be if we could convey our actual meaning rather than have it filtered by the recipient and misinterpreted? Would people be nicer if they knew everyone else was just trying to do their best and be nice? Would we get less hung up on word choice, and focus more on context?

If Homo sapiens sapiens hadn't evolved to intelligence (defined here as the ability to make sweeping changes to the environment, survive in nearly any conditions given time to prepare, and the capacity to problem solve to get a desired outcome), nor any other hominid race, what is the most likely animal to have done so in out stead? The squid, with it's amazing abilities to manipulate objects, survive out of water, and ridiculous intelligence/ability to learn without being taught? Perhaps the crow, able to figure out complicated multi-step puzzles, use the tools made by other species (dropping nuts in the road to be cracked by cars, then waiting for the walk sign to collect), and the ability to learn ridiculously quickly? Perhaps some other species entirely. What would that have looked like?

Where would our species be, technologically and socially, if we hadn't had as many setbacks as we did throughout history? What if the Library of Alexandria hadn't burned, or if the technology in the Antikythera Mechanism hadn't been lost and not reinvented for hundreds of years? What if the advanced cultures of ancient times hadn't collapsed/been annihilated, but continued to modernity? What if there weren't groups of people throughout history who tried to squash scientific progress and understanding, but had instead.. helped..?

I wonder how long it will be before knowledge and wisdom are again valued in modern society as they were in the past. We have the internet, and that means all information, both factual and otherwise, are readily available. At some point, then, we will hit a wall. We will hit a point beyond which society collectively decides it's tired of having so much false information, and demands a higher standard of information, especially from trusted figureheads such as the news and politicians. Someday we will reach a point when the words "I don't know, but that's a good question, and we should find out." will be respected and valued as an opening to further information, rather than an admission of ignorance.

It's not even the incisions...

So I had the surgery yesterday, and my babymaker no longer functions as-intended. Win.

It was surprisingly low-key, considering my anxiety.

I did find out I've lost even more weight, though.. I'm down to 108# from my usually-consistent 123#, a situation which I find quite upsetting; eating more means more pain due to my ongoing tummy problems, and not eating more means I could easily become even less healthy.. I'll have to talk to my primary care doctor about it when I call regarding depo, especially since I think I may have pinned down the cause. On the plus side, my distress over actually losing weight seems to have convinced my partner that, no, despite my jokes about "working off that meal", I'm not actually interested in losing weight, just maintaining the same size I've been since middle school (which I do usually without conscious thought. I don't go out of my way to stay the same size; I don't weigh myself or measure or anything, and most of my waistbands are elastic so I have no reference other than visual).

Anyway..

My attending nurse was also childless and had a hysterectomy, and totally understood when I said I was only getting my tubes tied because they wouldn't let me have my uterus removed. She had hers done by laproscope, just like mine, so although it was a bigger surgery, she knew what I could expect, more or less.

She was super good about my intense sarcasm, and was surprised by my unwavering bluntness (it's just who I am, and I rather like it, because nobody ever has to guess about me, and get it wrong).

She commented positively on my lack of moving even slightly, despite watching what she was doing, when she attempted the IV in my right hand, and wrist, and when I told her she was better off, despite appearances to the contrary, using my left, I didn't flinch for that, either, and she got it on the first go. My viens are strange; on the right, they are very visible and look perfect for tapping, but can almost never be hit.. On my left, they look less amazing, and are harder to see, but can be hit on the first go just about every single time (as in.. I've yet to have even folks in training miss on that side)

Then I explained that I was keeping track of my age with piercings, and had gotten a bunch through the years that I didn't keep. It all made sense. She was super apologetic about missing twice, and my response was merely "eh, I figured it would happen, but it doesn't bother me much at all".

My partner sat with me while we waited, and we watched one of the new spiderman movies from start to finish, so that was a really good way of keeping my mind off what was to come, but honestly, the IV was the worst bit of pre-surgery.

One of the other nurses gave me a hard time about my dermal anchors, even with the tops removed, and finally I was like "well, for what it's worth, I regret them, and I would take them out if that didn't require a surgery all on it's own.." She then demanded to know how they got them in, and I told her the rather unpleasant process of making 3 piercings to make a pocket, and slipping the jewelry in, letting the skin grow through the back of the anchor. I told her how long ago I got them, and that they had finally stopped, for the most part, giving me major problems, and she cooled down a bit and explained how cauterizing can lead to burns, especially with a surgery so close to them. I told her I appreciated the info, and that it was a risk I simply had to be willing to take, at this point. That seemed to be enough. There's not much I can do about something I did 5 years ago, short of, as mentioned, surgery.. the anchors need to be cut out, and the process is much worse than implanting them (that process, by the by... sucks..)

They wheeled me into the OR, and I was still awake so I was asking all sorts of questions about the equipment. They showed me a few devices that they were going to use on me, and I told them I liked that they were willing to share and explain. They responded that it's not all that often someone wants to know, beforehand, what's going on for surgery. They have this cool reflex tester deal that they put on your hand to send shocks through to make sure everything is working. They wouldn't hook it up while I was awake, which is a shame, because now I'm super curious how it feels.

Nobody got my joke about the machine that goes "BING!" from Monty Python, which was disappointing, but I asked if they were going to be rocking out to any awesome jams, and the guy in charge of the OR laughed and said "not in my OR", to which the nurses laughed and said "but as soon as he leaves the room!!!"

My mom was an RN, and worked in nearly ever field an RN can; OR, ER, prenatal, maternity, pre-op, assisted living, nursing home, the lot. She used to tell me about how they worked, and how they rocked out to music while the patient was under. She also used to comment about how much she hated the rude people, so I did my best to be entirely accommodating, even a bit helpful.

I don't really recall them injecting the anesthetic, but I recall asking what specific drug it was (as I did with everything else they put in it, because I'm curious) and we got to skip right over that boring counting stuff, because they had the perfect stuff (medical equipment and knowledge) to keep me happy and non-stressed.

I woke up in agony. They gave me a few shots of painkillers, but it didn't come close to going away.. it got better, for sure, but nothing near relief.

It was very unpleasant. The gasses they used to blow up my abdomen lingered like crazy. I still have some huge major bubbles and a ton of subsurface tiny bubbles, and they still hurt. Because of the added pressure in strange places, my back and shoulders also hurt.

When the pain subsided somewhat, they wheeled me into my recovery room where my partner was waiting for me. Then there was a boring bit while I just laid there and made him give me water every few minutes, between conversation and a lot of complaining.

While I was in recovery, my surgeon came by to check on me, let me know that the surgery went well, and said he thought I might be interested to see my clips, since I'm a strange patient. Turns out, he made me a nice, glossy, full-color copy of the pictures, and presented them to me with a flourish. I, being the strange duck that I am, was thrilled. I asked all about what I was seeing, and now I have a picture of each ovary, my Fallopian tubes, and both clips. You can't ask for more! I might frame them. Proof that I'm sterile.

They wanted me to stick around until I could use the bathroom (they apparently used a catheter), and I wanted to leave because we still had a 2.5 hour drive home, so I managed well before I needed or wanted to go, and that, too, was highly unpleasant.

The drive home sort of sucked, although I think I passed out for an hour or so, because when we got to what I thought was Fond Du Lac, we were actually in Oshkosh (30-45 min difference). Bumpy roads were painful, and I curled up in the back seat for a while trying to relocate some of the gas bubbles (something I'm very accustomed to doing with intestinal gas).

The only bad thing, so far, other than the pain.. was the bleeding. They used some sort of liquid bandage sealant stuff rather than bandages, but one of the incisions didn't close up completely, so in the car, it started oozing blood. Unpleasant. We had to stop and look for paper towel, but there wasn't any at the rest stop, so I fished an old but clean shirt out of my trunk and used that. Not ideal, but workable.

The gas pain has been bothering me since I woke up from surgery, but I found that increasing blood flow increases absorption rate of CO2 gas (the same way as muscle fatigue) so I did some exercises that didn't hurt, but would increase my heart rate slightly, as well as increase the blood flow to abdominal muscles. It seemed to help with some of it, but there's enough left that I think it will be another day or two yet, at least. I'm trying not to limit my normal activities too much, since couch-potato-ing decreases blood flow and thus increases recovery time.

I'm also trying to find a cat to sit on my lap and purr, but none of them seem to want to be that close to my blood. (I'm not forcing the matter, of course, but my invitations have been ignored thusfar)
Why would I want a cat so close? Simply, the cat's purr is special; it vibrates at a frequency that can speed up healing, which is why cats seem to survive things you'd think would kill them. The frequencies (~25 htz for the base frequency and ~50 for the first harmonic frequency) have been shown in lab settings to promote healing of bones, reduce inflammation and swelling, and reduce pain, to say nothing of the illness rates in cats being significantly lower than would be expected. It works so well that devices are being made based on the cat purr frequencies for healing bones that are having problems doing so naturally (such as old or compromised patients)

All told, I'm still glad I did it. This is a reasonably small price to pay for peace of mind. I now know, almost for certain, that I will never need to have an abortion.

And such excellent timing, too; if my partner wants to be around babies, especially now that he knows for sure we aren't having any, his niece just found out she was about 5 weeks pregnant, so that need, if it becomes a need, has an outlet. I even told him he's welcome to babysit if he wants to, which was met by the most vigorous head shake of no I've ever seen from him. It was magical.

Sorry for rambling; I'm a bit drugged  up for this post. They offered me vicodin and codine, and I declined both because they never work for me (I literally cannot tell when I've taken them or haven't, and I have some skill in those matters), so they sent me home with 600MG ibuprofin and 5mg oxy/35mg acetaminophen. Today is an oxy day.

Perhaps I'll have something more to write when I'm a bit more sober. Perhaps I'll sleep all day. :p

Pre-surgery jitters

Well, tomorrow I have my surgery..

I'm, shockingly, not looking forward to it, although I am looking forward to the outcome.

I'm supposed to give up food and drink at midnight tonight, but I've given up food already, as of 11 PM yesterday. Why? Simply, although the "do not eat or drink" thing is for anesthesia, so you don't throw up while under, my digestive system doesn't work that happily.

I gave up food early do I'm not already filled with gasses before they even start. It's enough that they will be inflating my abdomen with CO2, there's no need for me to add my own ~_^

Having a calm, relaxed tummy for this is a high priority; I'm going to feel pookey enough afterwards without the gut-wrenching agony of bloating. But it's more than that... I want my tummy to quickly return to normal, because I have to remove the tops of my dermal anchors.. I've had nothing but problems with those fuckers, and honestly, I'm concerned that I'll have one sink and get lost if my tummy spends too much time bloated, putting pressure on the implanted bit. At the very least, I expect I will have a good 2-4 weeks of irritation healing on at least a couple of my dermals.. Most likely the ones at the bottom..

It's a problem I already have with the bloating thing, and not one I wish to make worse.

As it is I plan to draw circles around the piercings so my surgeon knows exactly where to avoid, if at all possible; most medical personnel aren't terribly familiar with implanted piercings, and they all want to know "can you take them out?"  nooooo... pretty sure that's why they are called implants..

The rest of the surgery stuff.. meh.. I have transportation arranged, and I'm not too terribly concerned with pain. I do plan to ask for something better than Vicodin or codine, since neither of those do anything whatever to my system.. They seriously might as well be placebo for all the good they do... Placebos might actually work better, because you don't expect them to do anything, so any result is a pleasant surprise!

I guess it's good that my biggest concern for this surgery.... is whether or not it will fuck up my very touchy piercings.

That's a minor thing, overall.

And I get to come home to the two most adorable red point Siamese boys, so that certainly helps!

We have new kitties!

It was sort of a happy accident.

We took the birds to the rescue place; they will be much better off, as will I. On the way home, we stopped by the shelter to drop off the application, the one needed to set up a visit with fostered pets. Turns out, the cats we were looking for were no longer in foster, so we got to sit with them in kitty city.

Fortunately, we know that kitty city is better named stress city; 7-10 adult cats thrown together on a rotating basis. Our boys weren't at their best. Far from it. 5 minutes into our visit, the shelter called me, and were thrilled to find out that, indeed, they were calling me from 10 feet away. The adoption was approved (likely because I had adopted a cat from them previously) and within half an hour, we were on our way home with 2 freshly microchipped cream colorpoint boys.

We were not ready.

Despite spending well over a week intending to bring them home, we thought, certainly, the shelter would take longer than a day, since a day is standard procedure. We thought they were in foster care, which would have meant scheduling a time to meet them, so up to another week.

Nope. 5 minutes after stopping at the humane society to drop off paperwork, I'd been approved, and asked if I wanted to take them home today, or pick them up later.

Turns out, they had been at the shelter for almost 7 months after being surrendered because their family "didn't have time for them". Nobody had time for them.

We have time for them. I'm even more sure of my choice knowing what they came from and went through,

They have been with us for a day and a half now. They are eating, although it's not agreeing with them the greatest just yet. At least one of them is playing, they are exploring, they aren't running into hiding when we knock to open the door. They are using the boxes properly, and haven't destroyed anything yet. I even got a chance to love on the bolder of the two for a while this morning.

It's slower going than any of my previous cats, but these two lost a lot, and it's going to take them a while to open up again. And that's OK.

We'll give them everything they could possibly want or need, and see what happens.

I'm sure it will be something good.

Updates!

So today I go in for a round of ultrasounds, in preparation for my tubal ligation surgery on Tuesday.

I am stupid-nervous. Not about my decision, but about the actual event. I know I shouldn't be, because it's fairly minor, but still, it's a big leap, and my nerves are shot.

Today I'm also picking up more cat boxes and moving money around to get my cats their shots on Saturday. I'm preparing my birds to go to the bird rescue tomorrow at noon, and I'm cleaning to prepare a room for new kitties.

Because my partner agreed to more kitties. 2 of them, and I think I've found the purrrrrfect pair; 8YO cream colorpoint brothers. This is without meeting them and assessing their personalities, but based on breed and age alone, I think they will make a good addition to the family.

I specifically looked for older cats. Why? Well for one thing, older cats are much harder to adopt out. Most people want kittens, or life-long friends. I want these things, as well, but there are enough other forever homes for them that I can't justify the acquisition.  What I want are cats that aren't likely to find other homes, either because of personality, behavior, age, whatever.

These brothers are a trifecta of unappealing adoption prospects; they are 8, which is "senior" even though it's only about 40 in human years; there are two of them, which is harder to place, as many people want only one more; they are a very chatty and active breed - not a breed known for calm quiet.

Why do I want to give them a home? Simple; they didn't choose to have their home ripped from them. They didn't want to lose their lifelong human companion(s), and they are hurting with the loss. Just like you would. I've lost my mother, so I know how hard it can be to lose someone close to your heart, and cats are highly emotional, just like we are.

I'm not at all concerned that they won't live long, as happy, healthy cats often push 16-19 years; even if they only live for a couple more years, they can make excellent companions. Cats removed from loving homes generally want to re-establish a close bond, and as long as they know that bond isn't going anywhere, they can enjoy the remaining years.

Further, cats don't age like humans do. Sure, they eventually change their routine to accommodate their new abilities (or lack thereof), but they usually retain most of their desire for activity and stimulation. One of my cats is only a few years behind in age, so it's not as though this is something I will avoid if I don't get older cats, anyway.

Their medical care might be a bit higher than for a kitten (post-spay/neuter and kitten shots, mind.. kitten care is super expensive) but my partner and I don't exactly have kids or other major financial commitments, so I see this as a non-issue; we set aside money, if they become chronic illness cats, insurance can be purchased. The care they get will be at least as good as one would give their children, because ultimately, that's what cats are to this household. Tiny, furry, cuddly, less expensive, more amusing children.

I'm so excited for our new additions that I've been looking for cat colony ideas (hanging walkways, hammocks, tons of paths and climbing areas, the works) for the spaces we have available. Nothing so complicated as I've seen online, of course (not until the next house, which will be specifically built to accommodate cats) but enough to give them a ton of "their own space", especially places the humans can't get, but from which they can still interact.

I think everyone involved is going to be thrilled, sooner or later.

I know I am!!

What's good for me...

I'm trying to talk boyfriendicus in to letting me add 2 more cats to my home (an adorable bonded pair of 8-year-old neutered male Siamese mix, just like one of my existing cats but with darker coloring).

He's not as thrilled at the prospect as I am, even though he doesn't do the labor of love for them; feeding, water, boxes, the bulk of attention and "training", and the majority of constructing toys and cat furniture, that's my job, and that's totally fine with me. They are, after all, my cats, and I am, after all, home a lot more often. My cats fill the social void in my life, especially when I'm not feeling well enough to be social with people. They are my companions, and I don't mind doing things for them, although I do sometimes have difficulty finding the drive to do said tasks in a timely manor.

I've been reading a lot lately about how having multiple cats actually makes said cats interact more pleasantly, and that, I think, is something my existing cats would like. As it stands, I have one very active cat, Scooter, a 2 year-old Siamese mix, and on not-so-active cat, a 7 year-old domestic short-hair named Gin (pronounced ghii-n, which is Japanese for "silver") who's communication skills are.. well.. not the best. Giving them a pair of cats to befriend increases the chance that both existing cats will find something to like, and should greatly reduce the existing friction. And that's what I want.

Yes, one additional cat can serve that function as well, but 2 give more of a buffer. When resources are plentiful, cats do best in groups. Goes straight against everything we've been told, no? But there it is. Cats are very intelligent, and very social, and just like people, they want friends to share activities with. If there are only 2 cats, and they don't have the same personality and interests, there will be friction as they continually ask each other for things they won't get. Just like with human friends, though, even 2 very similar cats won't like all the same activities. It's rare to find a human who likes skydiving, playing classical piano, going to clubs, and, say, cooking... all in the same person. Similarly, it's difficult to find a cat who will like everything the existing cats like, especially since the existing cats are so different in personality.

I've explained the logic, but it's so counter to everything we grow up hearing and believing that it's not going well on the convincing end. His concerns seem to focus around the litter boxes, and the need to change them more often. I don't see this being the case, as I strictly follow the "one box per cat plus one" rule, though I would probably do "one per cat plus one per 2" so I would have 6, not 5. Since I use shredded paper from craigslist for litter, this wouldn't cost any more than it does now, though the compost pile will grow more quickly. With the right number of boxes, the frequency of changes shouldn't be a concern, nor should it be significantly different than now.

The food cost is another issue he's citing. And I'll give him that. Canned food is a bit pricey, but I buy it in bulk every 6 months when I get my school money, so that when I'm broke, it's OK; I will still have food for them. The cost of food would double from $200/6mths to ~$400/6mths. Most people pay that in litter, alone. The place I buy canned food has the best prices I've found for a quality selection (~$0.30/can), and they do a bulk-order discount, so for every 10 flats (box of 24 cans) I get one free flat. I'd be buying 30 flats every 6 months, so I'd get 3 flats free. We have a basement we never use for anything, so I have no major concerns over where to put it all, and the saved effort of going to get it when I run out is more than worth the effort of buying it all at once.

As for the time and amusement needs, that's the joy of multiple cats; they spend time with each other, and it reduces the interaction need with humans. This isn't to say I don't care to spend a bunch of time with the cats, especially 4 of them, but the type of interaction would be different. More companionship, less guided play, because they can play together a lot better than they can play with a human. My cats currently have a bunch of pent-up energy that we can't properly discharge; Scooter has a boatload of energy, and assumes that all toys are for him all the time, which prevents my more relaxed cat from feeling comfortable playing. 2 more cats could even this out nicely, and allow me special time with the first cat I adopted on my own, Gin.

He seems to think that older cats are not as good as the younger ones, but as it turns out, they just take longer to acclimate. Indeed, older cats are likely to be better in the long run, because they were ripped from a happy home through no fault of their own, and just want a new friend or two. These two would be roughly the same age as Gin, so they should have the same level of maturity,if not the same level of activity. That's a good setup, and sure you could do it with just one cat, but it doesn't give the same friendship opportunities for the cats, especially when they aren't the same personality.

The current dynamic in the house isn't the greatest. Boyfriendicus doesn't seem too interested in learning (on his own) how to be friends with my cats, although after I explained how just being in the room with him was a sign from Gin that she was ready to be his friend, he took to acknowledging her presence and giving her kitty kisses (slowly-blinked eyes). This means, to me, that the whole situation could very easily change, and for the better, with just a bit of work from the two of us, and that translates DIRECTLY to cohesion with a new set of cats, as well. Every trick he learns to interact with Gin, who is really a very sweet kitty with a rough history and trust issues, is one more trick to apply to new cats.

Every effort given to the cats we have now is an effort that will have much weight when the existing cats show the new ones the ropes "see that big human? The one who who isn't home all day? Yeah, he's completely clueless, but he's trying, go give him some love". Cats can communicate complex ideas, just like we can. We just don't understand them, and so assume it doesn't happen. This, I think, is the point above all others that should encourage friendship; if you have it with one, you are more likely to have it with the others. They understand effort, and they appreciate it.

He's concerned that doubling the cat population in the house will lead to new problems, but I've seen the way Gin and Scooter interact with the neighborhood cats from their outdoor 8x9x9 enclosure. They want to be social, but on their own terms. That is to say, they want to be social, just not with each other, because their needs aren't being properly met with the current setup. If Scooter could get his play out with other active cats, he could leave Gin in peace, and she might actually like him. She tries really hard to like him now, and even grooms him occasionally, she just can't be his best friend right now because he pesters her for play.

My conundrum is this; I really, honestly, think 2 cats, especially an older but active pair which are significantly less likely to be adopted (both because they are older, and because there are two which cannot be separated), would be a good fit for us. Boyfriendicus brought up the idea of getting another cat, so it's clear that he enjoys them, and I've always had cats, and view pats as a "the more the merrier" situation. Their behaviors and interactions are fascinating, and I feel good when I make them feel good.

I want to convince him that it's our best best for a happy home, but at the same time, I respect his opinion, and he shares this home, so it impacts him, as well. The last time I went to the shelter to get a cat, I tried to convince him to get 2, and he said no. We should have gotten 2 then, and I probably wouldn't be looking now.

I did tell him if we got 2 more, I wouldn't want more until one of them died, and it's true; 4 is all I want, it's my kitty limit. I just want there to be at least one cat available most of the time for affection, and I want them all happy. Those aren't such bad goals, especially for a household with no intention of having kids.

Trading in Problems

WARNING - this post discusses GI functionality. I will do my best to avoid any graphic language, but be aware. You have been warned.

For as long as I can remember, I've had tummy problems. Actually, that's not strictly true; for most of my life, my tummy problems were transitory, came and went depending on my diet. A number of years ago, possibly around the time of my military service, but I could be mistaken, everything changed.

Suddenly, I was getting cramping, bloating, and motility issues.  I thought, for sure, it was the large quantities of milk I was drinking every day, because when I stopped, so did my tummy problems. Lactose sensitivity was, I believe, only the beginning, because when I cut dairy from my diet, the problems went away for a while, but then came back just as strong.

It got to the point where nothing I eat sits well. Within a handful of hours of eating, my tummy blows up like a balloon, so I now only eat at night, knowing that at least if I'm asleep, I don't have to try to do anything when my tummy pain is at it's worst.  I was diagnosed with IBS-C, which I will leave to you to look up if you are not familiar.

IBS isn't so much a diagnosis as an acknowledgement of distress. There's no known cause, no known cure, and the treatments are lifestyle and amazingly strict dietary changes that severely impact quality of life, assuming they even work (for many, including myself, they do not). Additionally, IBS is more of a compilation of symptoms than an actual condition, as the criterion for it are quite broad and overlap with numerous other, known, conditions. Frankly I think it's a cop out; patient gets a diagnosis, which is all some of them want, but that's it. Once you have an IBS diagnosis, that's more or less where your guided treatment (with doctors) ends, because most of them have absolutely no clue what to do, and yes, that does include, for the most part, GI specialists.

So I started doing my own research on the symptoms I experience, and I brought this info to my doctors, both to get their opinion of it, and see if there was any way they could help. Mind, I'm not getting paid to do their job for them, but I certainly should be. I'm not entirely negative on doctors, but I'm absolutely balls-to-the-wall frustrated by their lack of giving a shit. I realize that there are a plethora of new ailments these days, likely caused by the industrial lifestyle we live today, and that's difficult to keep up with and all, but when your doctor asks, every visit, "Where would you like to see your treatment go? What do you think would help? Is there any treatment you'd like to try?" it really emphasizes that they aren't doing any looking on their own. Isn't that what doctors are supposed to want to do? Learn how to help their patients find relief, even if it means doing a bit of *gasp* continued education? After all, a doctor who has done the bare-minimum professional development (continued learning) will be out-of-date on a lot of info, and the longer they have been practicing, the more outdated their information becomes.

It's not my job to be a doctor, to do a buttload of research, to suggest my own treatment. I don't know what I'm doing, medically, but because I find the topic quite interesting, and go out of my way to learn about biology and medicine, I probably know a lot more than the average person. I shudder to think what the average person goes through when they hear something like that, especially if they don't have the innate drive to research that I have developed. I believe this is a symptom of a larger problem; it goes along with drug companies marketing direct to uninformed consumers, rather than to doctors, as they should, and are required to do in many parts of the world where direct-to-consumer drug marketing is banned. They are relying on people with no knowledge of biochemistry, hormones, anatomy, organ interactions, etc etc etc, to request their drug based on misleading commercials. And people do exactly that. Because the commercial tells them to talk to their doctor about it, when the doctor should be talking to them about it. That whole system is a disaster-mess, and it's WRONG. Wrong and harmful, depressing, alarming, and it makes the patient feel worthless. If their doctor doesn't even care enough to suggest another treatment, the patient must be complaining too much, or have a problem the doctor doesn't care to solve.

Consider it this way; you are having a house built. You hire an architect to design the building, which turns out to be very complicated structurally, even though from the outside, it looks fairly simple. Something goes awry, and you notice a problem with the structure, and you point out the problem to your architect. Said architect then asks you what you think should be done about it, and you have the pleasure of learning all about construction to answer, because said architect will do no research for you. Even though that's exactly what they get paid for, and they know more about it than you do. More likely, you get upset and fire the shitty architect. You wouldn't stand for that sort of treatment, yet this is exactly what happens every day with doctors across the country, and it's horrifying. They aren't all like that, but enough of them are for it to be a major problem.

I have gotten little help from doctors on my IBS problems, so of course I looked for any dietary factors that could help, and I hit on beneficial bacteria. Now, I know that probiotic supplementation isn't likely to cure long-term problems, so I went into it expecting little. I used kefir for my probiotics, both milk and water varieties, and cultured my own with grains I bought on amazon for $12. Kefir contains 10+ (actual number varies from one set of grains to the next, depending on what they are fed) strains of bacteria and yeasts per type of culture, and the residents of milk kefir are different from those in water kefir. OTC and Rx probiotics contain 1-5 strains in much smaller quantities, and I'm a cheapskate.

I was surprised. I still have major tummy problems, the gas and bloating are still entirely present, as are the abdominal cramps, but joyously, I have switched sides from IBS-C to IBS-D. Believe me, the latter is easier to deal with. Unfortunately, the problems I have remaining seem to be something like SIBO, although I strongly doubt it's a bacteria overgrowth; more likely it's a candida -yeast- overgrowth, since yeasts produce copious amounts of gasses. I'm not yet entirely certain how to deal with this, but new information comes out about digestive problems rather frequently, so perhaps it won't be long.

In the course of this swap, however, I seem to have lost 13 lbs. I've never, in my life, lost 13 lbs; since the time I started wrestling at about 14 -when I went from 115 lbs and 21% body fat to 119 lbs and 14% body fat- I've been within 4 lbs of 123. I'm reasonably active; I run full-speed up and down the stairs in my house multiple times through the course of my day, lift and shift heavy objects regularly, including 5-gallon buckets of water for my aquariums, etc. I eat mostly healthy, home-cooked food (my partner cooks for me; he's wonderful-I'm not a great cook.) and nothing, as far as I am aware, has changed except how long food stays in my system. Oh, and I cut out some sugar from my diet (by "diet" I mean "coffee"), because holy fuck is that stuff bad for you. Seriously, sugar, in the quantities we consume these days, is toxic. But I don't think cutting a minor amount of sugar from a diet that already contains very little (except I do love my fruit and occasional candy) would have done this.

So now I have a conundrum; If I eat more, I get the pleasure of more frequent pain. If I don't, I may lose too much weight to be healthy.

What would you do, in this position?

The heat is coming

It's been going back and forth between chilly and almost too hot.. I'm really waiting for the 2-3 week span of over 100 days that we normally get near the end of summer.

But, for those of you who live somewhere that doesn't have winter 2/3 of the year, this is probably the perfect time to share some stay-cool-cheap tips that I've used.

I'm not a big fan of overly-cold cooling methods, so anything involving ice in direct contact with any part of the body, or very cold showers... I'm not including those.. :p

We don't use AC, even though we have a window unit. I think since we got it from my step-dad, some 3 years ago, we've used it twice, for a day or two at a time at most. I'm not sure if that says something about the house, us, or the shit weather we get, or just that the other tricks work well enough that that sort of electricity drain isn't necessary. Whatever the reason, I've gone most of my life without AC, including the 3 years I spent in Houston, and I don't see that changing now, just because I can stretch my budget to afford it, if I eally really wanted to.

So I imagine I'm not the only person who either can't afford or doesn't want to pay for AC, yet a lot of chronic pain sufferers don't deal well with heat. In the spirit of making life better, I thought I might share some crazy tricks that really help you beat the heat, cliche though that statement may be.

On to the crazy ideas!

Everyone says "use a fan in a window" but I've got an improvement over such an easy concept. I used to live in a house with no functional venting on the second floor; no heat, no cool. I put a box fan into a window, airflow pointed out, and duct-taped cardboard around the fan, functionally sealing it so that air couldn't blow back in around it. In summer, a second window -usually in the basement, but any shaded window in a cool room will work- is opened just a bit to allow air movement, and the fan is left on indefinitely. This works best for a bedroom window or any apartment window, as larger houses generally need a bit more than this. My current house (~1500 sqft) is a bit too large for this to be the only life-saver. If you have a large enough space, and it isn't anything near air-tight, this can also be used in winter, even in the coldest of areas. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's entirely true, and I've done it. It's probably not great for the heat bill, and almost certainly not better than a space heater, but when your options are be cold or waste a little heat, well the answer seems kinda obvious.

Use white tagboard or paint some cardboard white, and tape it to any windows that get direct sunlight. A matte finish works best, and reflects more light than gloss or semigloss (crazy, right?). This will reflect a good amount of the sun, and prevent it from heating up your space. If you can put the white material between the window sashes and the screen/storm window, even better, because the warmed material would never come into direct contact with the air in the room. If your area allows it, foil can also be used with great success for this, however care must be taken; if installed poorly into a window that gets direct light, even for 5 minutes a day, the reflection and concentrating of the light rays CAN AND DO melt or discolor siding, even on the neighbors' houses. Trust me on this one; I used to work warranty claims for a window company (FYI, that is never covered by warranty, and usually not by insurance unless the damage was done to you and not by you)

If your room is quite dark because you are trying to keep the sun out, try putting mirrors around in places where light does come in (because hey, if you aren't using AC, you probably have a window open somewhere!) such as a mirror across from the window, or even a few under the window, angled to reflect light. This will reflect the light around the room, increasing how bright it looks. Not strictly a heat-buster, but since you won't be keeping as many artificial lights on, it can certainly help! If possible, open windows should be in shaded locations, but enough light still comes in for mirrors to help substantially.

Swap your lights for LED bulbs, and unplug all electronics which aren't in use. This seems more like an energy-saving tip, but remember; energy converts into heat in all electronic devices we have, bar none. We don't have the capacity to make waste-heat-free devices, currently, since heat is one of the main byproducts of the electrical resistance required for said devices to work. LED light bulbs produce significantly less heat than other types of lights, and because of this lack of waste, they use a lot less energy. I have replaced all of my commonly-used lights with LEDs, and I adore them. I get mine at Menards for about $4 each, and they save at least that in the first year of use, if swapping from incandescent. They stay cool enough that I can handle even a still-on light bulb that has been on all day. Lights used infrequently can be replaced with CFL bulbs, as well, and even that helps. To make this more understandable; the bulbs I use are 65 watt equivalent, which means the same light output as a 65 watt incandescent bulb. For a 65-equivalent CFL, the power draw is 21 watts, and for an LED, it's about 9. Just think about that; same light output between the incandescent and LED, but 56 watts less energy, which means 56 watts less HEAT.. per bulb!

Unplugging devices is basically the same concept. All electronic devices draw power whenever they are plugged in, even though, to my understanding, they have an internal switch that is supposed to prevent that. Over time, it wears down, and current feeds into the device, even though it's off. This is especially true of large devices like TVs, game consoles, and computers, which use a lot of energy, and anything with an LED indicator light. If the light is on, you are wasting electricity and generating heat. Even if the light isn't on, if the device is plugged in, you will be using power. My solution was to plug everything in to power strips that have on/off breaker switches, organized into power groups; stuff not used daily -video game systems, for example- have a power strip that stays off most of the time, while commonly-used devices like TV and computer are wired to a single strip so they can easily be turned on during the day. The difference between having the devices plugged directly into an outlet vs. using a power strip is that when you turn off the power strip, the circuit is interrupted, and no power flows through the strip, so it can't even reach the device to be wasted. You can't do that with standard outlets (although GFCI outlets are good for this).

Invest in a small kiddie pool or a large sturdy tote. I know, whaaaaat? Even if you live in an apartment, a cool foot soak can easily turn even the most miserably hot, still night, into an entirely comfortable (and skin-nourishing!!) experience. If you have enough space in your living room, move the table and set up a cool foot soak (if you use a kiddie pool, get one that is hard-sided; you do NOT want to risk it going flat and flooding the living room). Water contact causes you to lose body heat 25 times faster than air contact, which is why you get hypothermia so much faster in water than air, but the same applies to small temperature differences, as well. As long as the water is colder than about 80 degrees F, it will help you feel better. As a bonus, when you no longer need or want your foot soak, you can use the water (assuming you didn't add anything to it) to water houseplants!

Close off any view of outside, and watch a string of winter-themed movies or shows. Seriously, it really does help. Since we generally watch winter-themed movies in winter, and the sight of snow reminds us of cold, this is purely a psychological trick, but a reasonably effective one. Just resist the temptation to look out the window to verify the weather, and allow your suspension of disbelief to take over.

I find that cold showers just make me miserable really quickly afterwards; your body is convinced that it's now cold, and you thus need to conserve body heat. As contrary as it sounds, though, a hot shower on a hot day is marvelous. For much the same reason as the cooling problem, the body thinks it's REALLY hot after a hot shower, and that it needs to cool very quickly. Because any temp post-shower is cooler than during-shower, you feel better, and the effect lasts longer. Best to air-dry. I find this actually makes me quite chilled for a long while, while a cold shower leads me to sweat within minutes of getting out.

If you want to do outdoor activities, pick up a parasol or cheap umbrella; the sun/shade difference is really quite impressive, and you aren't stuck hanging out under trees. I took a parasol on a whale-watching boat ride a few years ago, and it was easily the best choice I've made about sun protection in a long time. A parasol/umbrella and a utility clamp combine to make an excellent chair shade on-the-cheap, and the whole setup is great for sitting around the outdoor kiddie pool, soaking feet and having some frozen drinks.

Frozen drinks bring me to my next point, though; they don't cool you down. Not really. They may make you feel cooler, briefly, but similar to a cold shower, the extreme cold temp of the ice actually shocks your system, and can increase heat output. The best thing to drink on a hot day is just-cooler-than-room-temp water, something in the 60-80 degree range, depending on preference. Just like the shower trick, though, you CAN drink hot fluids when it's hot out, and for a very similar reason, it will make you feel cooler after a brief uncomfortable period.

If you have a desk fan and a spray bottle, you can mist yourself when it's really bad, but beware; after the water dries, you'll feel warmer than you were before. This trick is really only good for the worst of the hot days, because you have to keep spraying yourself to stay cool. It does work, just not the best.

With a bit of metal tube, an aquarium water pump (from amazon, you can get a decent one for about $8-12) a foam cooler, some ice, and a fan, you can make a dehumidifier/air conditioner. This will only work until the ice melts completely, so it's not really a long-term solution, but it can be super useful on really humid days. You can probably find a way to add dry ice to it to make it last longer, but I don't really know where to get that around here, so I haven't tried it. Either way, I found directions for it online. There are also directions to convert an old window AC unit into a dehumidifier for the house, but I haven't tried that, either.

If you want cold coffee (iced-style) but don't want it watered down (seriously, eew) you can pour what's left of your pot into ice cube trays and pop them in the freezer. Add a few of these to your coffee for a wonderful iced-but-not-thinned morning cup. Whiskey stones are also quite good for this. Avoid using those plastic water-filled ice cube things, though; not only does heat tend to increase leaching of chemicals from plastics, the sudden shift in temp can cause them to break.

If you have access to your ventilation system, and especially if you keep your furnace in the basement, keep your fans blowing year-round. If your always-on furnace fan isn't sufficient, consider investing in in-line vent fans; they aren't too pricey, and they drastically increase air movement, though they do tend to be a bit on the loud side. If you have the option, have your air drawn from the basement in summer; the basement is a natural heat sink, generally staying right around 55 degrees F (~12C) so circulating that air will help keep everything much cooler. This trick works best when you keep it running this way for days at a time, because it does take time for the heat to leach out and equalize.

Just like with heating in winter, close off any rooms (ideally, corner or south-facing rooms) not in use, but keep windows open in them. The closed rooms will act as a heat/cool buffer zone, and help to regulate the overall temp, while also decreasing the cubic footage that needs to stay cool. By keeping windows open, with a fan blowing out if you have one to spare, you ensure that heat and moisture don't build up beyond the ambient outdoor levels, preventing humidity-related damage as well as preventing a pocket of excessive heat from being in contact with the rest of the space (through walls/door). This helps most when it's hotter outside than inside, and you don't have windows open throughout the house. Rooms can be opened again when the temp falls below whatever comfort point you like, to maximize air flow. I have a second floor south-facing room that spans the entire front of the house, and that sucker gets amazingly hot very ridiculously quickly. Closing it off, having light-blocking curtains, and keeping the windows open has made HUGE improvements to the temp of the rest of the house. And with just one room!

If you have a window AC, and more than one story, put it somewhere on the second floor, close to the middle of the structure or near the stairs, make sure your ventilation system is running, and put a circulating fan in front of it to blow the air into the hall. This can keep most average-size homes a reasonable temperature, but don't expect it to keep the whole house at 50 degrees. Cool air, being more dense, sinks, and the heated air tends to be concentrated on the second floor anyway, so this strategy is very effective. As a bonus, if you have a non-bedroom you can put the unit in, it will keep noise levels manageable, and should keep most rooms fairly comfortable. This couples very nicely with the window fan with cardboard mentioned above.

Share your odd tips and tricks for staying cool, I love learning news hacks to make life easier!!!

Getting sterilized

So I'm finally taking the plunge. Not the same plunge most people are talking about when they use that line, but something no less important.

I'm on step 2 in the process of getting a tubal ligation. Step one was getting a recommendation from my PC doctor, step 2 is the consultation I have scheduled for the 14th.

The whole thing is apparently much easier if 1. There is something wrong with your reproductive organs. 2. You have had an abortion. 3. You have already made your family.

That's not horrible, that the process is harder for someone without those qualifiers.. but it does suck having to explain over and over that yes, yes I have thought about this, and yes, even though I'm under 30 and childless, this is what I want.

I'm trying to give my doctors an honest impression of my situation, and to that end, when asked (screening question) if I'd ever had an abortion, I said "quite honestly, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid".

Now, I realize how horrible it is to say that my options are sterilization or abortion, especially since I personally know other women who want and cannot have kids, but for me, that's reality. I made the decision a long time ago that, given the state of my life, if I found myself pregnant despite my best efforts to prevent it, the quality of life of the child was more important than any guilt I may feel about the process. Since I don't feel I could give a child what it deserves, abortion is my best option -mind, I do use birth control, and always have. Abortion is not an option I wish to exercise if it can be avoided. If you don't agree with that decision, that's your right, but this is the choice that's right for me, for my life.

What it boils down to, at the end of the day, is that I realized that I don't have much capacity for nurturing. Sure I can manage pets, and sure, I look fine with kids, but I'm not. They make me uncomfortable until they hit double digits, because they aren't capable of having much in the way of a real conversation. I don't have the patience to deal with kid-noise, and I can barely keep my house clean as it is. Very simply, I know I'm not responsible enough to trust myself with a child.

Let me rephrase that; I might be great with kids, and that's awesome, but I'm not cut out for parenting. I highly respect people who can do the whole reproducing thing, especially if they thought about it beforehand. I want to be very clear that I'm not judging others because they've made a different choice than have I. I try to ask for the same consideration.

Someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids doesn't get that sort of respect from society. I've heard it all. "It'll be different once you have them." "You are too young to make that sort of choice." "You'll regret it if you don't do it." "You are being selfish, what if your partner wants kids?" "everyone thinks they don't want them until they have them." "Once you have the first one, you'll want a whole bunch more" and other various statements of the like. I hear the same sorts of things about marriage. "Don't you love him?" "what if he leaves you because you aren't married?" "What if you have kids?" "what about buying a house and having a life?"

Some of these statements, I've recently learned, are technically true. It is different when you have your own kids, but only because of the intense hormone cocktail that hijacks your system and more or less forces you to be nurturing and caring. The brain gets rewired, thanks to that baby. I'm sorry, but I really don't want that. I want to keep my brain working as-is, if only because I have no say in the hormone overdose, and I think that's crap. Just because it's in our nature, and we've evolved to want it, doesn't mean that clear heads should not prevail. I can barely manage to take care of myself, the last thing I need is a biological drive to sacrifice what little good I have in my life for the wellbeing of something I don't want in the first place. Pets don't cause this problem, and I have many.

Some of those statements are just plain hurtful. Telling me that I haven't thought enough about it, or that I'll change my mind (implying that I haven't thought about it at all) leads me to believe that people saying those things don't think I'm capable of weighing the pros and cons. The sick reality is that I've probably put more thought into not having kids than most people do into having them; after all, all you need to have a baby is an accident. You don't need to think about whether or not it's a good choice for you, since it's assumed that it is. You don't need to consider if you are fit to be a parent, because if you weren't fit, you wouldn't be having one, right?

Conversely, I've spent the better part of a decade weighing the pros and cons, thinking over every possibility, both good and bad. I did not reach my decision lightly, and in fact, I used to think I wanted kids, because that's what I was told was what life was about; husband, house, family. I spent years trying to work out how I could achieve my life goals and still have a family, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that kids just aren't a good fit. I want to travel the world, visit every country, never stay put. The world is a big place, and not experiencing it is a waste of life as far as my own personal view is concerned. (Again, if job, house, family is all you want in life, that's great!I'm not judging. It's just not what I want.) I realized that these ambitions would be nearly impossible if I had a family tying me down. Still, I thought long and hard about what giving up one or the other would mean, and I realized that I would miss a lot more by having a family than I would by making my life complete. The plans I came up with to zip these two lives together were ridiculous and convoluted, and never would have worked out.

By far, the most common and most obnoxious question I get is "what if you regret it?" nobody ever thinks about the flip-side of that question; what if I have the kids, and regret THAT choice? One regret can be fixed through adoption -there are more than enough babies in the world, and I don't need mine to share genetics with me- the other is an 18+ year commitment, regret or no. I've read forums filled with women who regret starting a family. They love their children, but they hate the life that comes with it. That regret doesn't go away just because we wish it would, or try to ignore it. Some people aren't cut out for it, just like some people aren't cut out to be surgeons because they can't stand the sight of blood, or pilots because they fear heights. You can't convince your way out of that; if it's not right, it's not right.

The honest reality is that, commitment issues aside, I just really don't like kids, and trying to convince me otherwise is not going to work. They are loud, which I can't stand both due to preference and due to headaches, they are messy, and I can barely clean up after myself, they are expensive, and I hate spending money and being broke, and they need a LOT of interaction from their parents. I have a hard time setting aside time to train the parrots I inherited, and I think they are neat; I enjoy working with them, and I still can't get myself to do it consistently. That's no situation to bring a child in to.

My partner is on board with my decision, and even his mom is perfectly OK with it (she's also supportive of us not getting married, which is a relief. She told me that, were it not nearly 40 years too late, she wouldn't marry, either) though being that he's his father's only child, his dad's not the happiest. He hasn't said anything about it, though, so he can go right ahead and feel however he wants about it. My partner said that he's getting a bit old to be starting a family, anyway (he's 9 years my senior, which makes him 37, presently) and that he doesn't want to be old and useless when his kids are just hitting the point in life when they are fun to be around. He also seems to realize that, since most of his sibling's kids are my age (talk about awkward... The oldest is 2 years younger than I am, and out of nearly 10 kids, only 2 are under 18 ) he can enjoy them having families, and he can be the awesome great uncle, without having to change his own life significantly to do so. That seems like a pretty awesome compromise for all involved.

Even so, I've been called selfish for not wanting kids, because everyone assumes my partner had no say in my decision. To be sure, if he had said "no, I definitely want kids" we certainly would not still be together, but only because we would want different things from life, and it never would have worked. A relationship, no matter how good, is never NEVER worth sacrificing your happiness. Nobody in that situation ends life content. But that's not what happened at all. I feel my decision is the opposite of selfish. More selfish would be to have them anyway, just because that's what I think I should do, knowing full well it's not a good fit. Children can tell when they aren't wanted, or when they are a burden. I could never do that to a sentient being.

The brutal reality is that my partner is so on-board with my decision that he volunteered to take a day off work to take me to the hospital 2.5 hours away (VA hospital; free healthcare for vets, but lots of driving to get it) and said "don't worry about when, just make the appointment, and I'll take off work." and THEN he's willing to sacrifice sex for an indeterminate amount of time after, until I feel better. If that isn't support, I don't know what is. It probably helps that I played nursemaid when he had hernia surgery.. even removed the bandages and redressed them, because he couldn't stomach the sight. Thank you, mom, for watching graphic surgical shows with dinner while I was growing up; a strong stomach has served me well. He seems excited that I'll be 99.9999999999999999% protected, since I'll still be getting depo injections (hormone control for headache control, and also I don't like the baggage Aunt Flo brings with) even though that's basically the same level of protection I have now, with my IUD.

We both enjoy the DINK life we have now (Dual Income, No Kids); we have the freedom to enjoy our time on earth, sans major responsibility. We can afford to do things that couples with kids can't, normally. We don't have to worry about what to do with the kids when we want to do something, or go somewhere, and making arrangements for someone to come take care of animals is much easier. Does it matter if our goals in life are different from yours or anyone else's? I don't think so..

A couple of pointers for those of you who with kids or who plan to have kids;

It's great that you are doing that, and have thought about it; we need a minimum number of babies every year to maintain the population, and we all appreciate the sacrifices you make to promote the species. But we do have quite a lot of babies, and we certainly don't need more from people who don't really want them. Please respect that just the way we respect you for the choice you've made.

Please don't try to convince people that your answer is the right one for them, too. Most people who have decided not to have kids have given it a great deal of thought. Our society is so focused on reproduction and centers so much around children that it's impossible not to think about. Please don't talk to us as though you know better; you don't. You only know what works for you.

We don't judge your decision, please don't judge ours, even if you don't agree with it. It doesn't matter, ultimately, what you think about our decision, you'll just be burning bridges. You will burn them, not us.

When you discuss reproduction with friends, ask them if they are PLANNING to reproduce, don't ask them WHEN they will reproduce. It seems like such a small thing, but it emphasizes to the person with whom you are speaking that you understand that it's their decision, and that you respect it either way. It also opens up a dialogue. The planning question not only leaves room to change the mind if necessary, but also discourages a lot of defensiveness. It's difficult not to be defensive when everyone is trying to convince you that you are making the wrong choice.

Don't assume that what worked for you, and what you experienced, will be the same for everyone. Keep in mind that many women, and sometimes even men, experience major life changes such as depression and stress with the birth of children, and some people aren't as well suited to deal with these complications as others. Also be aware that this is a major life change, complete with new hormone levels, new responsibilities, new commitments, and new expectations, and the end result is not the same for two people. We each are the sum of our experiences, and you never know what came before now that could change the way someone sees an event.

Keep in mind that what was a wonderful experience for you might be a living nightmare for someone else. If you don't believe me, do a google search for "I hate being a mother"; the stories are heartbreaking. You can judge those people, if you must, but remember; they were, by and large, pressured into changing their minds about having them.

At the end of the day, it's a personal decision. Feel free to discuss it, but understand that the decision was made with great care in nearly every case. If someone doesn't want kids, for whatever reason, great! They shouldn't have them if they don't want them. Everyone is happier that way.