I haven't had time to post lately; my life has been nonstop stress, exertion, and panic attacks.
I have some horrible classes this semester, which involve way more work than any 3-credit undergrad class should be allowed... And I'm not saying that as an exaggeration; some days the homework for just one class takes 12 hours to complete, but always at least 4. For every class session. So it's been rough, and I've cut a lot of corners, which I really don't like doing, and which has added to my anxiety. I finally have a chance to breathe, with only my exams left. 4 more days of doing stuff, and I'm done.
But.. For all that, I'm in a good place.
Considering the difficulty I'm having with the classes, my grades in them are actually really good. I'm still alive, so the weight issue hasn't killed me yet, and I have a yearly checkup in a couple weeks anyway, so they can check all my relevant stuff. When I went for my pain management appointment 2 days ago, as well as an appointment to get a depo shot a week before that, I borrowed the scales, and checked myself. I'm at 115# (my standard weight when I was 13 or so, before I started wrestling), and it's been steady like that most of this month. The human body tends to adjust hunger levels, cravings, and energy output based on various hormones and neurotransmitters, which is basically why diets don't work for more than a few months, so my hope is that my body has, by now, regulated back to, if not it's normal, than at least a workable minimum. I'll also have them test my vitamin D levels, because I've been taking something like 45,000-65,000 IU weekly (5,000 IU morning and night, whenever I remember, which is most of the time), which should hopefully be enough to boost me back to semi-normal range, rather than "holy crap, start supplementing, and get some sun!" (of course it snowed this evening, so good luck there). 50,000 is what they prescribed for once a week to bring my levels back up, but with chronically low levels, my scouring of research leads me to the conclusion that a bit more won't hurt; it can take 6 months or more to see any substantial increase in vit D levels at 50,000 IU/wk (I am not a doctor; please speak with yours prior to supplementing).
My stomach problems are still largely gone, although I have to be careful to eat in the right ratios; not enough fiber, and I'm right back to it, but excess fiber doesn't kill me as much, anymore. I did some thinking, and my stomach issues resolving may have been related to my surgery; it's likely routine to use an intravenous antibiotic, and depending on the type and dose, it may have been enough to kill off any blooms of bad bacteria in my intestines, and a decent diet now keeps it in control, as it is supposed to. This is purely speculative, of course, but still.
I have also managed to set up a "take a break" semester for spring 2016. I am thrilled. Still 12 credits, 2 at 300 level, 2 at 200 level (usually the most I can do, as I also take Russian or Japanese, depending on offering, through the tech), but I managed to set it up so that I can, literally, take my time. One, an American Lit course, is entirely online; I read at roughly 500 wpm (the average speaker, by contrast, can manage between 130 and 150 wpm), and enjoy doing it, so this is the ideal format for classes for me. If I could take them all online, I probably would, but my school doesn't have much of a selection for that program. The other three classes are with professors I've already had for other classes, who are already aware of my (sometimes significant) limitations, but with whom I've done well. In addition to knowing exactly what I'm getting myself into with my campus classes (Global Climate Change, History of English, and Metaphysics), a very nice change of pace, I will also only have to go to campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is absolutely ideal for recovery and recoup from the current semester, and should prevent a boatload of absences, and thus a lot of irrational guilt and anxiety.
Further, I'm finally working toward getting my memorial tattoo for my mom; it's mostly all planned, though not finalized, so I should be able to get it done soon. It should help with the grieving process; a marker to the beginning of moving on positively.
I also came across a truly enlightening blog post, written by someone in the mental health profession, regarding disruptive disorders. When I was 5, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but frankly, I'm surprised I wasn't co-diagnosed with ODD. This article explained that these people, often, are simply anti-authoritarian, and that seems to fit. Anti-authoritarians question all authority figures, and dismiss any which are undeserving. That's certainly something I do, and it's always a struggle to submit to those who are undeserving of their position. (if you are interested, it can be found at http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/02/why-anti-authoritarians-are-diagnosed-as-mentally-ill/ )
This might not seem like useful insight to you, but it explains a lot for me. I have always been hostile toward rules I don't agree with, authority figures I didn't approve of, and frankly, I don't do things I don't want to, insofar as that is concerned. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of anxiety, because my desire to succeed in life directly conflicts with my desire to follow only legitimate authority. For example, this semester I have a prof. who teaches a science intro course, but presents, as science, a lot of non-science -such as that antioxidants are protective against disease, which they most certainly are not in higher-than-necessary doses, and can even lead to increased mortality in cancer patients, or that organic produce is better for you, for which there is no evidence either way, or even that stress causes cancer and diabetes, which is misleading, at best, as stress can only contribute to, not cause, these issues. I cannot take him seriously, and I have barely bothered to show up to class as a result, even knowing full well he takes attendance and it factors into the final grade. I just, very simply, can't sit through it. I have also written up a fairly... blunt.. review of the class, complete with academically-sound citations, simply to let him know his conduct is inappropriate (both the lack of support for his claims, as well as a conversation we had on the first day, in which he told me my headaches were stress, and all I needed was some relaxing music and they would go away).
This professor is not a legitimate authority insofar as I am concerned, even if he does have a position of authority. Police also have a position of authority, but frankly, if they can't follow the laws they are supposed to be enforcing, they are undeserving of it. I fully believe authority figures should be exemplars, not just lucky. I also seriously doubt I could ever be an authority figure. I mean I have, in the past, such as when I was in boot camp and had an entire division under me, but my position didn't really require that I do any controlling, and I didn't (all I really did was sing cadence - in the Navy, sing is the correct verb). I told people to shape up, but that was about it. I hated it. Being responsible for other people's fuckups is not fun, although I honestly didn't mind being punished for it, since punishment was PT, and I was already in the best shape of my life before I got to boot.
I'm glad to have come across that post, even if it isn't the sort of peer-reviewed information I generally look for. It may be somewhat off, but it explains a lot about my experiences within my own mind, and gives me something of an idea as to what sort of position I should be seeking when I complete school. It also explains why every job I work is one more job I would never consider doing again, with the exception of those in which there is no basically authority over me, such as cocktail waitressing. I've always had a strong desire to speak my mind regardless of consequences, but the recent anxiety issues have largely halted this behavior, and I'd like it back. I miss my spine. I think the sort of job I'd like to get is the sort in which I get to actively question authority, and that's a big part of the job itself. Science communication is one such role, in which I would have the opportunity to basically let loose. Science communication, as it happens, is what I already want to do, more or less, so this works wonderfully.
All told, this has been a really tough time, but still, I'm managing to grow as a person, and I'm happy.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Back to school oranges
Back to school oranges? Don't I mean blues?
Certainly not. It's not a sad thing.
It's an anxiety thing.
I don't know what color represents anxiety, but red is anger and yellow is happy, so the mid ground seems like a wonderfully conflicted area, and that seems appropriate for anxiety.
Anxiety is orange.
Like the color, I am conflicted when it comes to returning to school. I hate having to interact with people, and I really dislike all the stress that comes with the work, mostly because I have to manage my time to get it done, and that's something I'm not very good at (and not just because of my headaches.. I'm just a major procrastinator ^_^). But I love learning, and I adore the challenge of new subjects.
I hate that, although I want nothing to do with most of my classmates (just because I don't like social interaction, not because there's anything wrong with those people), I seem to be a magnet for conversation. I never initiate, yet in almost every class, I end up with a pseudo-friend or five. Day 1 of classes, I'd already gone over my weekly limit for interaction with strangers. My limit is the point at which interaction stops being tolerable, and starts being a mess of stress. Depending on topic and length of conversation, this could be anything from 3-9 conversations with people I don't know well. Usually not more than that, and very often less, especially if the setting is something very public, like a class or party.
I have major anxiety about what people think of me, even though I honestly don't care at all. (If you can figure out how that works, let me know.. I'm clueless...) My introversion works against me on that one, because I endlessly replay conversations looking for things that could be taken in a way I did not intend. It's completely screwed up, and it bugs me to no end - I know I'm awesome (~_^), and being ridiculously awkward isn't going to change that. Honestly, people seem to find it disarming and/or endearing (I have, indeed, been told this; I'm not speculating).
I make absolutely no attempt to hide my flaws, nor emotion, nor do I make any attempt to display things which I do not feel or experience. Yet the very lack of hiding things gives me a feeling of humiliation. As though I am somehow inferior, simply for choosing not to participate in social posturing. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as a "very genuine person"... A sentiment I didn't actually understand for a long while - surely, everyone is a genuine person, and not, say, a gorilla in disguise - because I honestly don't pick up on cues that indicate insincerity. I am very easy to lie to. I'll probably believe you, unless it's something which can be fact-checked or which I know to be false.
Awkward + stressed + gullible + no brain-mouth filter + limited ability to relate to others = very low desire for social interaction
I think I'll leave that there.. I don't really have all that much else to say today.
I'm taking advantage of being home alone for the weekend, and getting a lot of "very important" (see also: not even remotely important, but fun) stuff done, which keeps the anxiety of the upcoming week at bay.
Certainly not. It's not a sad thing.
It's an anxiety thing.
I don't know what color represents anxiety, but red is anger and yellow is happy, so the mid ground seems like a wonderfully conflicted area, and that seems appropriate for anxiety.
Anxiety is orange.
Like the color, I am conflicted when it comes to returning to school. I hate having to interact with people, and I really dislike all the stress that comes with the work, mostly because I have to manage my time to get it done, and that's something I'm not very good at (and not just because of my headaches.. I'm just a major procrastinator ^_^). But I love learning, and I adore the challenge of new subjects.
I hate that, although I want nothing to do with most of my classmates (just because I don't like social interaction, not because there's anything wrong with those people), I seem to be a magnet for conversation. I never initiate, yet in almost every class, I end up with a pseudo-friend or five. Day 1 of classes, I'd already gone over my weekly limit for interaction with strangers. My limit is the point at which interaction stops being tolerable, and starts being a mess of stress. Depending on topic and length of conversation, this could be anything from 3-9 conversations with people I don't know well. Usually not more than that, and very often less, especially if the setting is something very public, like a class or party.
I have major anxiety about what people think of me, even though I honestly don't care at all. (If you can figure out how that works, let me know.. I'm clueless...) My introversion works against me on that one, because I endlessly replay conversations looking for things that could be taken in a way I did not intend. It's completely screwed up, and it bugs me to no end - I know I'm awesome (~_^), and being ridiculously awkward isn't going to change that. Honestly, people seem to find it disarming and/or endearing (I have, indeed, been told this; I'm not speculating).
I make absolutely no attempt to hide my flaws, nor emotion, nor do I make any attempt to display things which I do not feel or experience. Yet the very lack of hiding things gives me a feeling of humiliation. As though I am somehow inferior, simply for choosing not to participate in social posturing. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as a "very genuine person"... A sentiment I didn't actually understand for a long while - surely, everyone is a genuine person, and not, say, a gorilla in disguise - because I honestly don't pick up on cues that indicate insincerity. I am very easy to lie to. I'll probably believe you, unless it's something which can be fact-checked or which I know to be false.
Awkward + stressed + gullible + no brain-mouth filter + limited ability to relate to others = very low desire for social interaction
I think I'll leave that there.. I don't really have all that much else to say today.
I'm taking advantage of being home alone for the weekend, and getting a lot of "very important" (see also: not even remotely important, but fun) stuff done, which keeps the anxiety of the upcoming week at bay.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
I hate when that happens..
I'm not going to edit this after writing, because I'm ranting. Please excuse any major off-topics or spelling/format/punctuation errors.
There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.
Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.
Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.
Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.
The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.
So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.
An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.
Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore." ...... yaaaaaaay....
Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.
But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.
Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.
For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.
For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)
It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.
If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!
There is something uniquely infuriating about a complete stranger... telling you that your disability just needs some music and relaxation, and you'll be oh-so-much better.
Part of me wishes I was making this up.. the other part knows, for a fact, that I spent 20 intensely uncomfortable minutes trying desperately not to offend, and simultaneously leave the conversation.
Normally I wouldn't be terribly concerned with offending, since I find the dismissal of my condition at least equally offensive, but in this case, I had very little choice.
Why is that? Well the person telling me all I need is some music and relaxation... is one of my professors. One I'd never met before, and one which I have for the next three months. Ultimately, he has final say over my grade, and I'm not exactly a wallflower (behaviorally, yes, but I also dye my hair bright funky colors, so I'm.... memorable..) so I do what I can to avoid getting on the bad side of my teachers.
The conversation started when I did what I am required to do; gave him my disability accommodation paperwork. I miss an average of 2 days a week, much to my chagrin, and I need extended time for exams just in case I do have a nasty headache on exam days. I still don't necessarily do as well as I'd like, sometimes, but it's part of life with chronic conditions, and I make due.
So I did what I always do, because I feel that disclosure is important; I told him not only that I had accommodations, I told him about what he could expect as far as absences are concerned, and what leads to these absences. I give no illusions about the severity of my headaches, nor the effects of the drugs I take for the bad ones (they prevent me from driving). Since I have a 45 minute drive to campus, medicating means I have to stay home; that's just the way it is. Apparently this was the ONE professor I should not have been honest with.
An aside - some people are OK with not disclosing anything about their conditions, and simply making sure they get accommodations. I respect that, but I'm not ashamed of my lot in life (it's not as though it's something I have control over, after all), and I find that full-disclosure works best for me. Having my professors know that I have headaches every day, whether I'm in class or not, really seems to help, since that information allows them to slightly adjust their expectations of my in-class performance, and reinforces that I'm doing my best to be a good student. I DO NOT use full disclosure when applying for work, however, and generally don't even mention having a disability until after a job offer has been made. They are required by law to make reasonable accommodations, so I see no reason to screw myself out of a job by letting them know ahead of time that I will need them. Employers may not be "allowed" to discriminate in hiring someone because of disability, but that doesn't prevent employers from simply skipping over those applications - they can always claim they didn't hire for a different reason. Shady? Yes, certainly. Part of the current system? Unfortunately, yes.
Back to it-
The conversation, if you can call being talked at a conversation, dissolved quite quickly into "you just need some god music - here's some for you that will help substantially - and relaxation, and you won't have problems anymore." ...... yaaaaaaay....
Now don't get me wrong... I most certainly explained that, indeed, I've tried what he suggested, and indeed, I have tried a ton of other things as well. Truly, you'd have to be mad to not try anything to relieve your agony when it's been going on half your life. I explained that, despite everything, and having a team of neurologists and other doctors trying to figure out not only the cause but the cure as well, nothing has helped substantially. I also explained that there is very little hope, from any current field, for a recovery from this condition, and that I've had all sorts of treatments, many of which focused largely on exactly what he suggested - relaxation.
But no. He followed my insistence that it wouldn't help with a story about how he, at 70, had spent most of his life with "mental problems" (whatever that means) and the music and yoga were all he needed... Mind you, this is a teacher of science.. I would expect him to know that anecdotal success for one issue doe NOT automatically translate to success with another issue.
Then it dissolved further into talking about spirituality -shudder-. I don't even like talking about that sort of stuff with people I know and whose company I enjoy (unless they share my views, in which case it's not so much discussion as collaborative bitching). To have a complete stranger talk to me about how our souls leave our bodies every time we fall asleep, until that one last time when our souls depart our body to "wherever your religion believes they go"..... let's just say there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't rather be doing.
For one thing, I'm not religious, I'm scientific. If you can't prove it, or at least provide ample, scientifically rigorous, evidence in favor (and no religion, thusfar, has -any- scientifically rigorous evidence in favor, sorry) I don't buy it. I don't have the capacity to believe things that can't be proven, even if they do turn out to be true. I do, however, have enough confidence in my worldview to change it when new evidence comes out, and I even frequently mention just how wrong I was. That's part of being a scientist! I don't feel any need to spend hours a week in church, nor pay hard-earned money (collection plates) just to have someone tell me to be nice - or else. I'm pretty sure I, and most other people on earth, are smart enough to figure that out on our own.
For another thing, even if I was religious, even with the inclusive words he used (he did say "whatever your religion believes"), the topic isn't appropriate for strangers. It's just not, ever. If you are one of the people who talks to strangers about religion, knock it off. It's exceptionally rude, even if the stranger agrees with you. Seriously. I cannot even begin to emphasize enough how entirely innapropriate that sort of shit is. They are called "personal beliefs" for a reason. (The one-and-only exception is at church or related function, and even then, be VERY careful.)
It took all of my self control not to just tell him to shove it. It took everything I had to just keep standing there trying to respectfully leave the conversation. I tried several times to actually walk away, even, with no luck. I made absolutely no attempt to hide my discomfort, nor the fact that I desperately wanted to leave the conversation. I contributed next to nothing to most of said conversation, except "no" and variations thereof.
If you have any advice on handling this situation in the future, I'd love to hear it. I have such a hard time with confrontation, even exceptionally mild confrontation, that I typically try to avoid it.. So anything must be better than that :P
Leave it in the comments!
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Holding pattern
I hate waiting for things..
I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.
I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.
Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?
I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..
So I've figured out a solution!
I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.
Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.
Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten
So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.
This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.
But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?
After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.
So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.
After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.
I even hate waiting for things I don't want/like/want to do.
I've been putting off preparing for the upcoming semester; I need books, folders, notebooks, etc. and I should go get them, since I can charge them to my student account, and my VA vocational rehabilitation benefits cover the cost. But no, I haven't done it. I have about 2 weeks more to go.
Why haven't I done it, if I so loathe waiting for things?
I also loathe making trips with only one purpose. It's a huge waste of my time and gas to drive 45 minutes JUST to pick up my books for school. But I'm broke, and don't need much right now..
So I've figured out a solution!
I have a bunch of guppies that I no longer want to keep in my aquariums. There are a number of fish stores in the area. I'm going to offer them, for store trade for blackworms or something, to one of the shops.
Normally I wouldn't be trying to get rid of a pet... it's not a thing I like to do -the birds were an exception, because they aggravated my condition, and I did not choose to have them in the first place; I inherited them because I was the only person both willing and able to care for them- but in this case, it's either I get rid of them now, or wait until there are so many of them that they die off.
Because that's what guppies do.. they breed. a lot. Unlike mammals, they can't really be sterilized (nor, seriously, would I bother..) and I have so many plants in my tank that the babies don't get eaten at nearly the rate necessary to maintain population levels. I had 3 fish for a long time, I now have 2 dozen, all born after January of this year. I want to replace them with Endlers, which is another type of guppy (more or less), and so they breed just as quickly, however unlike my common guppies, endlers are actually worth selling... incredibly difficult to come across pure genetic stock (with paperwork) because they so easily breed with other guppies, but worth the investment. It beats giving away babies every few months or hoping they get eaten
So I want to multi-task my trip. And I don't feel like catching a buttload of tiny guppy fry (they are about 1-2 months old presently, just barely big enough for reliable sexing). And I don't really feel like going to get my textbooks.
This is what procrastination looks like.. It's not just not doing things, it's finding really "legitimate" reasons for not doing things, and sticking with those rationalizations as though life itself depended upon it.
But really, why would I want to be productive in my last 2 weeks of freedom for the summer?
After all, I have 4 cats to take to the vet, 6 months worth of canned cat food to buy, cat trees and shelves to build and install, an aquarium to design and build, gardening to do, rooms to clean, etc etc etc etc etc. The list never ends; I could get a lot done, if only I wanted to.
So what's wrong with putting it off a bit more? I'm already in a holding pattern for future events. Might as well extend that to the other tasks needing completion. Then I can get everything done at once, and feel exceptionally accomplished.
After all, I did just do my laundry. That's something.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Introversion
I've never been terribly fond of most other people. I really like myself, and wish more people were like me (this is a joke.. I couldn't stand being around me.. I'm obnoxious! ^_^).
For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.
I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.
For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.
I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.
I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)
For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.
I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.
I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).
So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!
My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..
Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.
I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.
For me, other people tend to get in the way of what I'm doing.
I am a hardcore introvert, which means I not only find interaction stressful, I could honestly do without the vast majority of it. Society is structured for extroverts, and that's fine, but us poor introverts, we have to make due in a world that relies far too much on interaction with other people.
For your average extrovert, social interaction is what keeps them going; it recharges their battery. These are people who enjoy meeting new people, who enjoy being in a crowd, and who enjoy the dynamic of an ever-changing social setting. Your average introvert tends to like the opposite; they become quiet and withdrawn in large groups, prefer the company of known entities, and their social battery is recharged by spending time alone on activities they enjoy.
I am so much the introvert that I rarely leave the house if I don't need to. My former counselor thought this was a sign of trauma (she was a VA counselor who dealt mostly with PTSD patients), and that a lack of social interaction was harmful for me, but I get more than enough interaction from my partner, my cats, the few people I call friends, and the internet. I completely close up in a crowd, even when I know all the people in the crowd, and it frequently takes me long stretches to think of something to add.
I've never really understood the social cues for conversation.. I can never find time to interject in a multi-person conversation, and I process the input slowly enough to miss what chance I may get. It's not that I don't follow the conversation, but that's all my brain can do at that point; process input. I now, honestly and seriously, raise my hand when I have something to add. People find it very strange, based on the looks they give me, but it's the only method I've found that works both for me, and for those I'm talking to, and as yet, nobody has commented on how absolutely bizarre it is to do. (It also, apparently, is a boon for my education; my professors are thrilled as can be that I have no problem raising my hand to ask questions or add to the discussion.)
For the ~80% of the population that function as extroverts, this IS totally bizarre, but for the ~20% who share my introversion, perhaps less so. Some of my friends who share my mindset have commented on the hand-raising, but I think they mostly understand the purpose, and I rarely need to use it around them anyway.
I have people express pity and sorrow over my lack of social circle, but I have chosen those people very carefully, and they mean the world to me; I don't want to dilute my relationships by having more of them. For most people, more relationships doesn't mean neglecting existing relationships, but when you have a limited storage tank for social interaction goo, relationships are a finite quantity. I have 5 friends. Yes, I can count them, and yes, I'm certain these people feel the same way; I remain friends with them because this is known. I don't like unknown. I am obviously friends with them for reasons other than that they are friends with me, but were they not quite obviously at least fond of me, well let's just say I've been known to cut people lose when I don't feel it anymore. Cold? Maybe, but life's too short to talk to people you don't like, especially if the interactions end up being stressful more often than not.
I don't want or need the clutter of acquaintanceship, I don't have the capacity to deal with flaky friends. If I feel an actual need for social interaction, it's usually somewhat pressing, and flaky people aren't reliable enough to satiate. I don't keep friends just to have them, and I don't keep family just because they share blood; that's silly! And yes, I did stop talking to my family because I didn't like them; no other reason, I just don't like them, as people, and don't really care to have them in my life just because we happen to be slightly more genetically related than any two random people on the street (99.5% of our DNA is shared between all humans, and 100% would be an identical twin, so there is 0.4% margin between the closest relatives and the furthest stranger).
So I keep a few friends who get my introversion. Most of said friends are also introverts, and I think that's primarily because they understand the drive to communicate via less social channels, as well as understanding that long periods of silence aren't necessarily a problem. My partner and a couple of my friends, however, are extroverts, and that's totally fine, as well!
My partner wants me to do things with him, and knows that my lack of contribution doesn't mean lack of interest; he understands that groups of people are a source of stress and discomfort for me, and has my back when people ask why I've gone off to be alone for a while. For my part, I appreciate that I can have social encounters without having to do all the work to have them. Conversation is difficult for me, and I usually revert to sharing interesting information... because that's what my life is; a series of interesting facts that I accumulate and spread when the opportunity presents itself. That's not much upon which to base an entire conversation, unless the other party shares the inclination for information... Which turns out to be pretty damned rare..
Basically, what I'm getting at here is that everyone is perfect, regardless what they do or do not, regardless how they feel about things, and regardless what anyone thinks of their behaviors. Each and every person does what they feel they need to do to be the happiest them they can be. And with very few exceptions (mostly those involving harm to another or object), they are right to do it, if it prompts feelings of fulfillment.
I'm strange, you are strange, everyone we know is strange, and we are all, every single one of us, perfectly us, and that is wonderful.
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