I haven't had time to post lately; my life has been nonstop stress, exertion, and panic attacks.
I have some horrible classes this semester, which involve way more work than any 3-credit undergrad class should be allowed... And I'm not saying that as an exaggeration; some days the homework for just one class takes 12 hours to complete, but always at least 4. For every class session. So it's been rough, and I've cut a lot of corners, which I really don't like doing, and which has added to my anxiety. I finally have a chance to breathe, with only my exams left. 4 more days of doing stuff, and I'm done.
But.. For all that, I'm in a good place.
Considering the difficulty I'm having with the classes, my grades in them are actually really good. I'm still alive, so the weight issue hasn't killed me yet, and I have a yearly checkup in a couple weeks anyway, so they can check all my relevant stuff. When I went for my pain management appointment 2 days ago, as well as an appointment to get a depo shot a week before that, I borrowed the scales, and checked myself. I'm at 115# (my standard weight when I was 13 or so, before I started wrestling), and it's been steady like that most of this month. The human body tends to adjust hunger levels, cravings, and energy output based on various hormones and neurotransmitters, which is basically why diets don't work for more than a few months, so my hope is that my body has, by now, regulated back to, if not it's normal, than at least a workable minimum. I'll also have them test my vitamin D levels, because I've been taking something like 45,000-65,000 IU weekly (5,000 IU morning and night, whenever I remember, which is most of the time), which should hopefully be enough to boost me back to semi-normal range, rather than "holy crap, start supplementing, and get some sun!" (of course it snowed this evening, so good luck there). 50,000 is what they prescribed for once a week to bring my levels back up, but with chronically low levels, my scouring of research leads me to the conclusion that a bit more won't hurt; it can take 6 months or more to see any substantial increase in vit D levels at 50,000 IU/wk (I am not a doctor; please speak with yours prior to supplementing).
My stomach problems are still largely gone, although I have to be careful to eat in the right ratios; not enough fiber, and I'm right back to it, but excess fiber doesn't kill me as much, anymore. I did some thinking, and my stomach issues resolving may have been related to my surgery; it's likely routine to use an intravenous antibiotic, and depending on the type and dose, it may have been enough to kill off any blooms of bad bacteria in my intestines, and a decent diet now keeps it in control, as it is supposed to. This is purely speculative, of course, but still.
I have also managed to set up a "take a break" semester for spring 2016. I am thrilled. Still 12 credits, 2 at 300 level, 2 at 200 level (usually the most I can do, as I also take Russian or Japanese, depending on offering, through the tech), but I managed to set it up so that I can, literally, take my time. One, an American Lit course, is entirely online; I read at roughly 500 wpm (the average speaker, by contrast, can manage between 130 and 150 wpm), and enjoy doing it, so this is the ideal format for classes for me. If I could take them all online, I probably would, but my school doesn't have much of a selection for that program. The other three classes are with professors I've already had for other classes, who are already aware of my (sometimes significant) limitations, but with whom I've done well. In addition to knowing exactly what I'm getting myself into with my campus classes (Global Climate Change, History of English, and Metaphysics), a very nice change of pace, I will also only have to go to campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is absolutely ideal for recovery and recoup from the current semester, and should prevent a boatload of absences, and thus a lot of irrational guilt and anxiety.
Further, I'm finally working toward getting my memorial tattoo for my mom; it's mostly all planned, though not finalized, so I should be able to get it done soon. It should help with the grieving process; a marker to the beginning of moving on positively.
I also came across a truly enlightening blog post, written by someone in the mental health profession, regarding disruptive disorders. When I was 5, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but frankly, I'm surprised I wasn't co-diagnosed with ODD. This article explained that these people, often, are simply anti-authoritarian, and that seems to fit. Anti-authoritarians question all authority figures, and dismiss any which are undeserving. That's certainly something I do, and it's always a struggle to submit to those who are undeserving of their position. (if you are interested, it can be found at http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/02/why-anti-authoritarians-are-diagnosed-as-mentally-ill/ )
This might not seem like useful insight to you, but it explains a lot for me. I have always been hostile toward rules I don't agree with, authority figures I didn't approve of, and frankly, I don't do things I don't want to, insofar as that is concerned. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of anxiety, because my desire to succeed in life directly conflicts with my desire to follow only legitimate authority. For example, this semester I have a prof. who teaches a science intro course, but presents, as science, a lot of non-science -such as that antioxidants are protective against disease, which they most certainly are not in higher-than-necessary doses, and can even lead to increased mortality in cancer patients, or that organic produce is better for you, for which there is no evidence either way, or even that stress causes cancer and diabetes, which is misleading, at best, as stress can only contribute to, not cause, these issues. I cannot take him seriously, and I have barely bothered to show up to class as a result, even knowing full well he takes attendance and it factors into the final grade. I just, very simply, can't sit through it. I have also written up a fairly... blunt.. review of the class, complete with academically-sound citations, simply to let him know his conduct is inappropriate (both the lack of support for his claims, as well as a conversation we had on the first day, in which he told me my headaches were stress, and all I needed was some relaxing music and they would go away).
This professor is not a legitimate authority insofar as I am concerned, even if he does have a position of authority. Police also have a position of authority, but frankly, if they can't follow the laws they are supposed to be enforcing, they are undeserving of it. I fully believe authority figures should be exemplars, not just lucky. I also seriously doubt I could ever be an authority figure. I mean I have, in the past, such as when I was in boot camp and had an entire division under me, but my position didn't really require that I do any controlling, and I didn't (all I really did was sing cadence - in the Navy, sing is the correct verb). I told people to shape up, but that was about it. I hated it. Being responsible for other people's fuckups is not fun, although I honestly didn't mind being punished for it, since punishment was PT, and I was already in the best shape of my life before I got to boot.
I'm glad to have come across that post, even if it isn't the sort of peer-reviewed information I generally look for. It may be somewhat off, but it explains a lot about my experiences within my own mind, and gives me something of an idea as to what sort of position I should be seeking when I complete school. It also explains why every job I work is one more job I would never consider doing again, with the exception of those in which there is no basically authority over me, such as cocktail waitressing. I've always had a strong desire to speak my mind regardless of consequences, but the recent anxiety issues have largely halted this behavior, and I'd like it back. I miss my spine. I think the sort of job I'd like to get is the sort in which I get to actively question authority, and that's a big part of the job itself. Science communication is one such role, in which I would have the opportunity to basically let loose. Science communication, as it happens, is what I already want to do, more or less, so this works wonderfully.
All told, this has been a really tough time, but still, I'm managing to grow as a person, and I'm happy.
